How unexpected and surprising can it be to actually run or meet someone with whom u have shared a silent untold space in mind? Has this ever happened to anyone I don;t know !
My life, my experiences, my idea of him, he himself unknowingly made some significant presence in my here. I am not sure if this personality is for real or he more of a metaphysical existence in thoughts. He was neither present nor absent. He has spoken but remained silent as well. I really cannot define, evaluate or describe in words.
But the journey from how and where we met to what I have discovered or felt is very unique and different. I don't know if this strongly felt unseen bond is for real or imaginary! If he exists for real! OR is it just what I want?
There is a mysterious, omnipresent, silent, uncertain, known, metaphysical component present in this journey from comprehending, realizing, discovering and eventually meeting him someday.
He has existed in my thoughts, words and visions for years. I will let TIME help me find Him. Since its only 'TIME' that stood with me from the time I conceived him to the actual delivery.
Apprehensions :
Deep inside I feel and I have found 'HiM' there are lot of question in my mind which I have no answers for! There is a lot of truth in it besides the evident vagueness as well. This is definitely not what I was expecting to happen at this point in my life at all !
Showing posts with label Hidden Markov. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Hidden Markov. Show all posts
Sunday, March 15, 2009
Saturday, September 27, 2008
Scavenging Motivation..
When I started on this path 5 years back, I knew day in and day out that I loved it the most...I knew there is nothing else I wanted to do or find then answering 'How has the landscape change in North Bengal and Assam affected the Terai Grasslands'. It was like a conviction deep inside me that I wanted to find answers for, for myself! And my love for it was challenged by lot of social issues, personal choices and professional challenges!!
Today am almost at the end of this journey, and Honestly speaking sometimes I feel I am burned out! I am tired. I feel I have fallen out of love with it, I have just stopped feeling the thrill the adrenaline rush that I used to feel every time I read this question! I don't know if this is the normal path or trend for all PhD's but I feel am loosing it! When I know am almost there! I know I have to hold on to it, as this is it! This is all I wanted to know! This is all that I cared at some point in my life!
Loneliness, life usual ups and downs, studying and being all by yourself in a foreign country, begging for permissions to work in your own country, to answer something that benefits none but them, to let down your ego and accept that the officer in charge knows it all, raising funds to be able to go back and do the work, sailing against the flow, accepting that you are nothing but just a tiny filthy researcher or scientist who loves to stay in a forest all by herself for months forgetting everyone because it was her choice, facing unwelcoming situations, messed up personal life..has eaten out a lot of my passion, painted the rosy picture dark, and consumed the love that I started with! It's hard to explain and understand sometimes why people fall out of love. But the same I guess is happening to me and am trying hard to remember every cost I have paid and remind myself of people who still have faith in me, who are looking forward for me to come back some day..who believe in me..
God give me strength, and faith so that I walk and complete this last leg of the journey. Be with me. I am not lonely if you are around, I know I will make it to the end, if you are with me, like you have been always, and thanks for all the people who are helping me scavenge and restore my motivation in this five year long affair!
The most committed relationship of my life ! THE ONLY, I guess..someone told correctly 'True love blossom only when challenged' THIS IS an absolute truth for me, for the Questions I had/have to answer!!
0. What are we benefiting if you want to study or how does it help me if you get a PhD, why should we agree to you going abroad, US, or you go for your PhD abroad?
1. Di, where will you give us a treat when you finish your Phd and start working?
2. Sweetu now we will only after you finish your Phd.
3. Mipi di...you don't give up...am waiting for the treat you said you will take me once you have a job..
4. Moina, Janu, Di - When are you coming to India next?
5. Moinadi, before you start your job I want to go on a road trip with you to NE. Sure.
6. A one month holiday trip to NE and Rajasthan on my next trip to India. We will plan it.
7. Dida, passport will be done this Dec. I will make sure its done, then you will be able to take her along with you next year. I so much want to bring 'Nani' next year to the US when I graduate.
8. Visiting WII and meeting all those people who thought I was not capable of doing any scientific thinking !
9. Meet the faculty eye to eye who told, "I can ruin your career if I want to" !! FUCK!
10. Meet the person who told, just register here and finish your PhD asap! What's there in a Question!
11. Stand infront of all the rejections I have had in general in my life and look back at them with a pride!
12. Eurotrip :) , backpack in the Andes, Maya Civilization, and see the Chimps!
13. Go to India on a complete holiday..NO WORK..only shooting, sleeping and eating..
14. Di, wapaas ajao! We will have fun when u have a job here, and we all have settled..
15. Moinadi, do you think you can work on this script ?? :) :) (HIDDEN HIDDEN bucket list desire)
16. See my parents finally relaxed...
17. Find 'jhimli' the only lamp and light that I has given me the faith to move on..
MOVE ON..............
And look what Rick has to tell me today...this guy really makes sense at times :), thanks Rick!!
"The weight of the future could bear down on you now as you try to figure out where your current path is leading. But it's hard to see around the next corner and the more you try, the greater your frustration. Instead of looking too far forward, it makes more sense to focus your attention on what's happening in the present moment." [ he he he ...so true!!]
Today am almost at the end of this journey, and Honestly speaking sometimes I feel I am burned out! I am tired. I feel I have fallen out of love with it, I have just stopped feeling the thrill the adrenaline rush that I used to feel every time I read this question! I don't know if this is the normal path or trend for all PhD's but I feel am loosing it! When I know am almost there! I know I have to hold on to it, as this is it! This is all I wanted to know! This is all that I cared at some point in my life!
Loneliness, life usual ups and downs, studying and being all by yourself in a foreign country, begging for permissions to work in your own country, to answer something that benefits none but them, to let down your ego and accept that the officer in charge knows it all, raising funds to be able to go back and do the work, sailing against the flow, accepting that you are nothing but just a tiny filthy researcher or scientist who loves to stay in a forest all by herself for months forgetting everyone because it was her choice, facing unwelcoming situations, messed up personal life..has eaten out a lot of my passion, painted the rosy picture dark, and consumed the love that I started with! It's hard to explain and understand sometimes why people fall out of love. But the same I guess is happening to me and am trying hard to remember every cost I have paid and remind myself of people who still have faith in me, who are looking forward for me to come back some day..who believe in me..
God give me strength, and faith so that I walk and complete this last leg of the journey. Be with me. I am not lonely if you are around, I know I will make it to the end, if you are with me, like you have been always, and thanks for all the people who are helping me scavenge and restore my motivation in this five year long affair!
The most committed relationship of my life ! THE ONLY, I guess..someone told correctly 'True love blossom only when challenged' THIS IS an absolute truth for me, for the Questions I had/have to answer!!
0. What are we benefiting if you want to study or how does it help me if you get a PhD, why should we agree to you going abroad, US, or you go for your PhD abroad?
1. Di, where will you give us a treat when you finish your Phd and start working?
2. Sweetu now we will only after you finish your Phd.
3. Mipi di...you don't give up...am waiting for the treat you said you will take me once you have a job..
4. Moina, Janu, Di - When are you coming to India next?
5. Moinadi, before you start your job I want to go on a road trip with you to NE. Sure.
6. A one month holiday trip to NE and Rajasthan on my next trip to India. We will plan it.
7. Dida, passport will be done this Dec. I will make sure its done, then you will be able to take her along with you next year. I so much want to bring 'Nani' next year to the US when I graduate.
8. Visiting WII and meeting all those people who thought I was not capable of doing any scientific thinking !
9. Meet the faculty eye to eye who told, "I can ruin your career if I want to" !! FUCK!
10. Meet the person who told, just register here and finish your PhD asap! What's there in a Question!
11. Stand infront of all the rejections I have had in general in my life and look back at them with a pride!
12. Eurotrip :) , backpack in the Andes, Maya Civilization, and see the Chimps!
13. Go to India on a complete holiday..NO WORK..only shooting, sleeping and eating..
14. Di, wapaas ajao! We will have fun when u have a job here, and we all have settled..
15. Moinadi, do you think you can work on this script ?? :) :) (HIDDEN HIDDEN bucket list desire)
16. See my parents finally relaxed...
17. Find 'jhimli' the only lamp and light that I has given me the faith to move on..
MOVE ON..............
And look what Rick has to tell me today...this guy really makes sense at times :), thanks Rick!!
"The weight of the future could bear down on you now as you try to figure out where your current path is leading. But it's hard to see around the next corner and the more you try, the greater your frustration. Instead of looking too far forward, it makes more sense to focus your attention on what's happening in the present moment." [ he he he ...so true!!]
By Rick Levine
Saturday, September 27, 2008
more from Tarot.com »
more from Tarot.com »
Saturday, April 05, 2008
Cloud 0
ya, how much time does it take to ride back from cloud 9 to 0 ?
8 steps or even less may be..for me 7 days... !!
My seconds class with Markov went for a bonker...I could see lost faces even till the end of it..
I had hard time getting these guys to understand eigen value and eigen vectors !!
Some glowing faces did turn when I just equated it to linear algebra as slope of X, and just representing that in Matrix, some seem to have understood it but 80% went blank...!!!
It so disappointing when you cannot convey your point to others!!
It sucks...
welcome to cloud 0 :(( !!!
bad bad bad................... :( :(
8 steps or even less may be..for me 7 days... !!
My seconds class with Markov went for a bonker...I could see lost faces even till the end of it..
I had hard time getting these guys to understand eigen value and eigen vectors !!
Some glowing faces did turn when I just equated it to linear algebra as slope of X, and just representing that in Matrix, some seem to have understood it but 80% went blank...!!!
It so disappointing when you cannot convey your point to others!!
It sucks...
welcome to cloud 0 :(( !!!
bad bad bad................... :( :(
Jodha Akbar - to asuthosh gowariker
Inspite of the ongoing debate on this movie, my take on it was 'Good job'.
No doubt that history was altered, no doubt that truth was changed, no doubt - Rithik does not look like akbar, but WHO KNOWS what real Akbar was like! Who know's what the real history was! Who knows what the truth was in that time! As a matter of fact who can vouch for truth from past in present?
NONE !!!
given all these dilemma's I think Asuthosh did a good job, specially as an historical movie. we rarely get to see such movies at Bollywood. I think prior to these RK productions made some attempts to make movies from mughal period - Mugleazam, Anarkali, Prithvi Raj chauhan (mind my spellings).
These movies made a mark in their time. And I think JA has made a mark in its time. I believe some of the scenes or shots from the movie are purely fantasies, for eg. the sword fight between Akbar and Jodha, but isn't that the beauty of Ashutosh's imagination. Trying to dream and visualize how romance might have dawned between them, how hard would it be for a hindu princess to fall in love with a muslim king and vice versa....or even marry....a perfect cocktail of reality, facts, and fantasy.
Imagination and creativity - a tool we all have. Some use it, some never see its power. I just loved it. kind of where and how my life is now. we rarely get to see and accept truth. Its only me and me know what truth is to me. Still we adjust, we imagine, we move on, we choose to forgo lot of things, we choose to let imagination and creativity spawn, we let time move on...we let our selves believe in dreams, in fantasies..because one day it would all make sense..every scene of it, every shot it...every character of it...may be an off track but did Akbar knew that history will see him as the greatest emperor? Do we really know what the future has foretold for us - NO! So just let it be, and let the present fly free...
But if the time machine is turned around with the conditional retention of memory I think I will be more attentive in the history classes rather than sleeping or drawing sketches of Mula sir, I will start exactly where I am today..because I just love everything that has happened to me since then, I won't hesitate to walk towards the cliff and see what lies beneath...
I think I have some mixed up thoughts here...i guess its because am trying to blend history with present, for running into something from the past in the present. ......is it for real?
No doubt that history was altered, no doubt that truth was changed, no doubt - Rithik does not look like akbar, but WHO KNOWS what real Akbar was like! Who know's what the real history was! Who knows what the truth was in that time! As a matter of fact who can vouch for truth from past in present?
NONE !!!
given all these dilemma's I think Asuthosh did a good job, specially as an historical movie. we rarely get to see such movies at Bollywood. I think prior to these RK productions made some attempts to make movies from mughal period - Mugleazam, Anarkali, Prithvi Raj chauhan (mind my spellings).
These movies made a mark in their time. And I think JA has made a mark in its time. I believe some of the scenes or shots from the movie are purely fantasies, for eg. the sword fight between Akbar and Jodha, but isn't that the beauty of Ashutosh's imagination. Trying to dream and visualize how romance might have dawned between them, how hard would it be for a hindu princess to fall in love with a muslim king and vice versa....or even marry....a perfect cocktail of reality, facts, and fantasy.
Imagination and creativity - a tool we all have. Some use it, some never see its power. I just loved it. kind of where and how my life is now. we rarely get to see and accept truth. Its only me and me know what truth is to me. Still we adjust, we imagine, we move on, we choose to forgo lot of things, we choose to let imagination and creativity spawn, we let time move on...we let our selves believe in dreams, in fantasies..because one day it would all make sense..every scene of it, every shot it...every character of it...may be an off track but did Akbar knew that history will see him as the greatest emperor? Do we really know what the future has foretold for us - NO! So just let it be, and let the present fly free...
But if the time machine is turned around with the conditional retention of memory I think I will be more attentive in the history classes rather than sleeping or drawing sketches of Mula sir, I will start exactly where I am today..because I just love everything that has happened to me since then, I won't hesitate to walk towards the cliff and see what lies beneath...
I think I have some mixed up thoughts here...i guess its because am trying to blend history with present, for running into something from the past in the present. ......is it for real?
Thursday, March 27, 2008
Cloud 9
1230 pm (India time) ...trrrring trrrring.........
1200 pm (US time)...evening Dad... and Mom....guess what??
India time : What what happened? Is everything OK? Why did you call so late...
US time : Oh, am so excited... I just had to call.. no no dont worry nothing serious.. I just got done with teaching a class and on cloud 9
India time: jeez u freaked us out. dad why, what happend? You saw some cute guy in your class??
US time :...NO NO.....it was more than that.. guess what I taught...
India time : NO Idea....
US time: I taught Probability, Mathematics, Markov Chain......CAN YOU IMAGINE ME, who used to be scared of math (class x - xii) teaching Math to others????? that also probability? Am just so excited.. am on cloud 9. And people were asking questions and I was answering.. there were some like me.. shy, and would always shy away from asking question or telling whats a probability? It was so nice... by the end of it.. I was actually able to see almost all of them.. smile and have a glow of OK....so thats how its done... and the best thing was one of the grad student actually came up... and actually said.. "that was scary when u started it... BUT I think...I am excited to do the assignment and actually play with the matrix and see how things change" these words just made my day...
India time: nice nice... that good..but what's a Markov?
US time :...mssst....dad...go back to you class X books !! he he he no no I will tell u later... now I got to run...had to just talk to you and mom and let the excitement out... aaah am on cloud 9 :) TOTALLY...
1200 pm (US time)...evening Dad... and Mom....guess what??
India time : What what happened? Is everything OK? Why did you call so late...
US time : Oh, am so excited... I just had to call.. no no dont worry nothing serious.. I just got done with teaching a class and on cloud 9
India time: jeez u freaked us out. dad why, what happend? You saw some cute guy in your class??
US time :...NO NO.....it was more than that.. guess what I taught...
India time : NO Idea....
US time: I taught Probability, Mathematics, Markov Chain......CAN YOU IMAGINE ME, who used to be scared of math (class x - xii) teaching Math to others????? that also probability? Am just so excited.. am on cloud 9. And people were asking questions and I was answering.. there were some like me.. shy, and would always shy away from asking question or telling whats a probability? It was so nice... by the end of it.. I was actually able to see almost all of them.. smile and have a glow of OK....so thats how its done... and the best thing was one of the grad student actually came up... and actually said.. "that was scary when u started it... BUT I think...I am excited to do the assignment and actually play with the matrix and see how things change" these words just made my day...
India time: nice nice... that good..but what's a Markov?
US time :...mssst....dad...go back to you class X books !! he he he no no I will tell u later... now I got to run...had to just talk to you and mom and let the excitement out... aaah am on cloud 9 :) TOTALLY...
Friday, August 24, 2007
I, My, Me.....
Where is the end of the boundary of 'I' , 'My', and "Me'.....??? I have been bugged with this quest..for ages and it seems to have become more relevant and prominent with the present.. there is so much I's and My's that its hard to just breath at times... I feel suffocated...
Is there ever possible to go and see beyond the I's and My's - my country, my wife, my children, my son, my daughter, my husband.. !! Is it possible to the beyond one's your focused and trapped within the I's and My's? Is it possible to still simultaneously see both the extremes of I's, My's to 'Us' and 'None'? Is the I' a strict boundary of the Self, or it can be and is the boundless 'I' which I have constrained myself with my limited vision and awareness? Is or Are the 'I' and 'My' a real trap or the only way to see their or its boundless form and existence? Is there a clear answer to this? Is there an answer at all?
Will I ever find the answer, or has the I already led me the answer, and I am not believing it? or am I still to discover more? or Am I just making significant progress towards the neurologically challenged existence?
Is there ever possible to go and see beyond the I's and My's - my country, my wife, my children, my son, my daughter, my husband.. !! Is it possible to the beyond one's your focused and trapped within the I's and My's? Is it possible to still simultaneously see both the extremes of I's, My's to 'Us' and 'None'? Is the I' a strict boundary of the Self, or it can be and is the boundless 'I' which I have constrained myself with my limited vision and awareness? Is or Are the 'I' and 'My' a real trap or the only way to see their or its boundless form and existence? Is there a clear answer to this? Is there an answer at all?
Will I ever find the answer, or has the I already led me the answer, and I am not believing it? or am I still to discover more? or Am I just making significant progress towards the neurologically challenged existence?
... on a tangential note 'The EYE Of Mordor' that watches Sam Baggins :))
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
