Bsanti ke daant and uski Kalli Boot !

Sholay 2009 ! With only Basanti and Bonita :) no Jai - and no Verru

My last single ;) Bday as a student, as an unemployed, as a PhD candidate.. THIS Bday was special.. Thanks to Bonita... for everything.. hopefully by next year I will have lot of new tags and adjectives to add to myself ..

Thanks Mical..love u for everything and the wonderful evening..

The moments stay frozen in time with me for ever.. in my Silver Pensive :)
Tanu Blotter

Love at first sight...

or thought...

Yes, that's exactly what made me go for my PhD, when the idea to examine how the Terai landscape has changed, dawned in my mind. It was not very challenging, but the idea to be able to see how an area has changed over past year made me absolutely fall in love with it.

A feeling nothing less than, Love at first sight.

I have been looking for quite sometime on the next mission. I have ideas and questions that I want to address next, but I don't know how, where, when and with whom. I still don't know.

But I experienced the same feeling that I had years back after discussing some of my current ideas with Dr. Mark Brusson, HOD Environmental Sciences. If there is something I really want to do next, is working on it.

I don't know myself a lot, but if there is something I absolutely know about myself is 'passion'. I have to feel really strongly about something for me to be able to get involved with it. Be it an idea or a person. It's the same. And I feel so with this next idea. And I need to feel it with same intensity every time I think about it. Only then it tells me if I really want it. If it fizzles out in between then I know, I won't survive it. And hence I won't get into it.

I can feel my heart throbbing, I can feel the sparks going in my head thinking about all the possibilities and questions we can explore.

WOW!

It was just not me. Mark was equally excited and interested, and that motivated me further. If only we had the dollar's to start it.

In times of depression and recession I need kicks like this to be able to keep going. It tells me all is not lost. It helps me focus, regain control over my life and be on track. I think I should go and discuss my ideas with someone every week. It keeps my inspiration alive.

It's the same feeling, that I have when I go over some ideas with my good friend, Kshitiz. We are from different fields but there is a huge overlap and the possibilities are unlimited.

Like vs Love ?

I have never given much importance to the word 'LIKE'

But with time I am coming to the realization that it is a much stronger word than it appears.

We need to really 'Like' someone a lot, a real lot to be able to continue liking them forever.
I have always been more caught up with the word 'LOVE' its implication, meaning, consequence and impact.

But I think, I am coming to my senses finally.

I don't know who really coined it but I strongly think its value, use and meaning is quite overrated. It's just a concept, an idea which changes with time. Love can come and go, stay or leave, be functional on your whims and fancies, your own vision and understanding or experiences or time and situational. But liking does not.

Liking stays. It defines our choices and compromises. The strength of our liking for something or someone primarily defines how much we love, want or like it. And its not the other way round. Also, interestingly love can be rekindled but liking cannot be if lost once !

hmmmmmmmm... (with blinking eyes) ... one has to learn to take care of the important one between the L - twins !

This was really a new realization :) for me..
am happy :)

If...

He has to stay, He Will
She has to stay, She Will
They Have to stay, They Will
Let Time Choose and Decide

*an irrelevant picture taken few years back of two friends became a symbol for something important to me*

Miss You, Love You ....

How does it feel,
When you know the one who is saying this to you does not really mean it?

How does it feel,
When you say the same but cannot feel anything?

How does it feel,
When you know the one who is saying this to you means every word of it?
When the one you are saying it to also feels the same?
Wants to say the same, and believes in the same?

Time will say!!

what do you do ?

As soon as you wake up...?

This is what I do -
1. I pretend am sleeping for 15mins..even after I am fully awake
2. I smile in sleep remembering something...
3. Then I open one eye and call out 'Tobby'
4. Tobby always has his sesky blue outfit on, and I absolutely love to see him :)
5. After he comes we talk, chat, check mails, read blogs, check news...by then my 2nd eye opens...
6. Mean while he get's me tea :) , yah he is a sweet heart, rather diabetic :)
7. Together then we listen to music for atleast an hour, smiling, giggling, hugging and just being there...
.
.
.
8. Then after such nice and warm wake up... he kicks my butt and sends me to the rest room..:(
But am glad he does so, else I would spend time talking, chatting and listening to music with him..
9. And before that my toy cuddles between us and pretends to sleep for 30min till Tobshi, kicks us out :)..like now he is after me to ...get out of the bed :)

And this is to him... my Tobby, my kumartuli, my diabetic dream..muuaaaaa "love you" enjoy the music we enjoy in our 'Radio Bindaas' :)




I wrote the above post yesterday..but came across this one today...since all of these are meant for today it makes sense to have them together. In Rick's word again :(

"You might have a hard time trusting your feelings today with so many planets in emotionally detached Aquarius. Others may have a much easier time with this airy grouping, but you have an irrepressible inner voice reminding you how unbalanced your life becomes when you allow your head to tell your heart what to do. Ignoring your passions is not an option these days, but think first before making your next move"

I did not come to work yesterday..just did not feel like :( was too tired..exhausted and saturated. Am here today, hoping to start work.

I am shocked..................

Dear tanu

There is a bad news, Firoz's wife Mehrun expired on 11 January 09 at 1045am. Please write to him if you get time.

Bibhuti

******

I don't know what to say. Am shocked. Firoz is my friend (herpetologist) from Assam. His wife was detected of cancer the day he won the Best Wildlife Warden of the year in 2007. I had met her early last year during my field trip in N.E. She had undergone chemotherapy and was doing fine. I am shocked I don't know what to say. He is such a nice person. I don't know why such terrible things happen to good people....!!! :((

I don't know what to say even if I all him :(( God, please give Firoz the strength to live through this and peace to Meherun's soul. The first shock of the year.. :( and don't know what to say !!!

For my Shikorina ....

"Daniel left today, he is simply nice. I like him a loooooooot. I was wiz him 24/7 that's why i did not update u sorry. How have u been? Hope u r doing great. keep in touch. Miss u sooooooooooooooo much!"

I could not believe this was really happening. I still can't. As I read the email, I could not help but remember all the fears, insecurities, hopes, dreams, laughter, and tears that we have shared together.

It was a bit strange journey from when we met to where we are today. From a hi and hello, during the weekly seminars for last two years, today not a single day goes without talking/seeing/laughing at(with) each other! It's amazing how ONE FINE DAY some people who barely existed for you become the most significant part of your life. My journey with her was something similar. Yes, am talking about my sweet heart and my best friend.

The first memory that I have of her was having caught her in her office crying in 2005! Yes, she was, for having left her family back home and coming all the way here for pursuing her degree! The next concrete memory I have of her was in fall 2007, when I was moving and looking for a roomate. After many missed calls I did manage to show them (yes, I refer them as them, as the are my best deal here, will write about the other half of them later) the apartment but we did not end up becoming roomates. I was angry and disappointed (my anger and disappointment are sometimes illogical but they are very temporal) then as they did not accept my offer. Little did I know then about the unsaid, silent, invisible 'best moment contract' I signed with them :) !

I moved to a different two bedroom apartment and it was nice as well. I continued running into her but still it was insignificant until thanks giving when my brother came and 'THEY' came over for thanks giving dinner. I think thats my 2nd memory with her, and first memory with them :) and my last days of 'Dark Ages' in 2007. 2007 was a very disturbing and unhappy year for me primarily for the shuttling between US and India and its consequences!! I came face to face with lot of truths and challenges but thankfully I had resolved most of the vague puzzles and the invisible contract was working as well :)

I don;t really recall but it was already 2008 and I remember everytime we ended up chatting at 1am or 5am outside our office we used to end up complaining "where were you all these years?". Inspite of being in opposite offices we never ran into each other as much as we did now! And boy, am glad we did. I guess the clock was set for us to be their for each other only in 2008. I have to be honest here, I was so scared of letting or getting close to anyone. I was really skeptical and reminded myself to keep distance. But I lost. She completely won my heart. And today she occupies one of my auricles, and guess what to my surprise it was a BUY 1 GET 1 free deal.

Yes, am talking about the "THEM". Her roomate. I got the BEST deal I could have got or I have got here in logan. And these cupons don't even expire :) They just get renewed every month or yearly I think !!! I used to be always busy, but I think I had really forgotten what a honest, heart to heart conversation was, I had forgotten what it was to come home to friends and not roommate or housemate, I had forgotten how it felt to call a friend at the middle of night and catching up on a funny video, I had forgotten what it was to do nothing and just lazying around with friends, I had forgotten what a real hug felt, I had forgotten what it was to fight over silly issues, I had forgotten what it felt when somebody asked if I had my lunch or dinner, I had forgotten how good it felt to make fun of yourself and the other infront of each other, I had forgotten what it felt to share your fear and insecurities, I had forgotten what it felt when people are being honest and straight forward, I had forgotten what it felt to not having the need to use your brain, I had forgotten how blissful it feels to live just by your heart, I had forgotten how it felt to have a friend, a company, a trust and faith, that 'I am there'. I had forgotten how it felt to really have some one who genuinely cared for you without an agenda! She got all these moments back in my life. And I was never lonely again. If there is something that I have realized having lived so many years by myself is, it takes courage to fight with loneliness and how much ever you specialize in mastering ways to handle loneliness there can be absolutely nothing that can equate to having someone who genuinely cares for you. And the 'Genuineness' in the care can only happen only if you have witnessed similar moments or you are in the same platform.

I cannot Thank god, for what I have today and I could not have valued what I have today as much as I do today had I not gone through what I had to! Her email today took me back on the memorable journey that I had with her and I know that we will continue to remain conected. To my sweet heart and now Danny's sweet heart for giving me the courage to believe in love and friendship. For giving me back my faith (Along with her, I need to acknowledge that I need to thank my 'TOY" as well for engraving the faith stronger. She is a sweet heart as well).

We might not meet every year, we might not speak to each other everyday, we might live in different countries, we might meet new people in our lives but I know we will always remain in each others prayers and heart since we stood by "each other" when it was needed. And above all 'She is the BEST'.

Actually, I have always got the BEST in every thing, be it pain or happiness. And I will continue to recieve the BEST, I just know it. I might have to pay some price though initially but thats fine. Everything happens for the best and WILL happen for the best. I believe it to the core, as thats what life has offerred me. It's a miracle.

And today I am witnessing another miracle, where god sends a soul out of the blue from miles and miles away (atleast 19 hrs away, from a country almost in the north pole) just for love for my shikorina. Yes, my sweet heart met her 'THE BEST' in the most miraculous way, and am so happy to know that they are together. I cannot put it in words how happy I am but I am, and I cannot believe that they met just 2 months back !!!

2008, has been a wonderful year for me. It has been a year of gaining things back. And she was the best part of it. I guess, life is nothing but a miracle, only if you are willing to take a chance, forgive and forget, :) . I did that, and my gain was/is humungous compared to the loses!

Thank God. Thanks Life....and off course THANKS to Shikorina for being there :). God Bless. you lotssssssss and miss you lots..

mmmuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuaaaaaaaaaah

Some Powerful Memories that has INSPIRED ME, and WILL Always Remain So..

Barack Obama: a life in pictures

His mother, Ann Dunham, hailed from Wichita, Kansas
Picture: AP

His parents separated when he was two years old and later divorced
Picture: REUTERS

His father, Barack Obama, Sr, came from Nyangoma-Kogelo, Kenya
Picture: AP

His mother remarried, and the family moved to Indonesia in 1967
Picture: AP

His mother remarried, and the family moved to Indonesia in 1967 Picture: AP

Barack Obama attended schools in Jakarta until he was ten years old
Picture: AP

Barack returned to Hawaii with his grandparents
Picture: AP

A photograph taken in 1987 of Barack Obama and his grandmother Sarah Hussein Obama hangs in her home in the village of Nyagoma-Kogelo, western Kenya
Picture: AP

He studied at Columbia University in New York, where he majored in political science Picture: AP

He then studied law at Harvard, and graduated in 1991
Picture: AP

After Harvard Law School, Obama returned to Chicago, joined a small civil rights firm, ran a voter registration drive, and lectured on constitutional law at the University of Chicago Law School
Picture: AP

He married Michelle Robinson in October 1992
Picture: AP

Their daughters, Malia Ann and Natasha, were born in 1998 and 2001,Picture: AP

He delivered the keynote address at the 2004 Democratic National Convention in Boston, Picture: REUTERS

He entered the US Senate on January 4 2005, Picture: REUTERS

He announced his intention to run for the 2008 in February 2007. After a lengthy battle with Hillary Clinton, he seized the Democratic nomination in June 2008
Picture: REUTERS

He formally accepted his party's nomination at the Democratic National Convention in Denver, Colorado, on August 23,Picture: AP

I BELIEVE NOW THAT NOTHING IS IMPOSSIBLE IN THIS LAND!! ABSOLUTELY NOTHING, IF YOU KNOW WHAT YOU WANT..THEN JUST DO IT..ALL YOU NEED IS CONVICTION, PERSISTENCE, AND DEDICATION..I WILL BE IN THIS JET LAG FOR A WHILE..AS I WANT TO :), GONE ARE THE DAYS OF ALEX HALEY !!

In Anjuli's Word

** She keeps changing and deleting her old post so thought I would just have it archived here in my memory box. Cannot disagree to a single word. I think I am so addicted to the feeling of being in 'LOVE' that I do not even care or wait or even open my eyes to see if its reciprocated or not.....मेरे को जो करना, कहना, सुनना होता है वोह मैं कहके निकल जाती हूँ :) :) ******

Not because am scared of being rejected, but more so because I just love the blissful feeling of being in love and I like live 200% of that feeling. Be a sponge and completely absorb it. It's bliss. And also because I do not take life, myself or the other one for granted. Who knows, if I will feel the same way tomorrow or not! Who knows if it will be the same feeling or not, or when I will feel it next, and offcourse you have a lot of surprises that life throws at you :) . ..Irrespective of which category it falls in (One sided, two-sided, multi-sided, short term, long term) the feeling of being in love is 'Blissful'. May every soul experience and live in it.

NOW IN Anjuli's WORDS

"my mind was itching to write for a long time and today I finally got time to write so I am writing on my favorite topic....mujhe Aamir Khan ka dialogue (from the movie Dil Chahta Hai) yaad aa gaya...."mujhe yakeen hai ki mera janam isliye hua hai ki main tumhe pyaar kar sakoon" I also feel the same, I guess I am born to love and now that I have found the love of my life I have all the more reasons to write about it.... so here I go....

Love....so many people and those many definitions of love, I wonder who infact attempted defining it...there is no need for that because when it happens to you, you just get to know what it is...

I am not attempting to define love here, I am just trying to tell all those people who want to fall in love, are in love or will ever fall in love to know what I have learnt about it so far in my life...

1. First and foremost...don't jump into conclusions whether its love or no...if it is it will stay and if its not it won't, so don't jump...just wait patiently for the air to get cleared...

2. Like it take two to tango, it takes two to love, its always both sided, mind u, I am not undermining the intensity of one sided love, but sooner or later it fades off because believe me it takes two to love, and if its love, the way u feel for ur love, the same way ur love also will feel for u, no one will have to take any extra efforts to prove his/her love, the other person will understand.

3. True love always comes back...i know its cliched but its 'the truth' about love, around a year back when S had told me this, I had told him that no if it is not coming back, there would be compelling reasons for it and I will make my love come back...but today I know how wrong I was....True love comes back...no matter what, there are no compelling reasons for it not to come back, if its love, it comes back and if does not it never was ...

4. True love is selfless...if you are thinking about u first and then ur love, you probably are either not in love or may be u need more time...

5. Love is different from relationship, don't mix the two up, even if u are in love, give time for the relationship to build up, don't take relationship for granted, it needs a lot of efforts and calls for a lot of time and labour to bulid up, but once its built no other fruits are sweeter than the fruits of this hardwork...

6. Trust your lover, if there is no trust, there is no love...don't worry it does not come at once, it takes time, don't undermine ur love just because the level of trust is lower than the level of love, just give urself some time, it will come...but believe me its the most important thing, if its not coming easily, work on it...

7. Tell your love that you love him/her, as often as u can,it helps buliding the bond.

8. If you want to get priority from your lover, give him too the utmost priority, don't worry, it happens on its own once u are in love, so no need to put extra efforts there :)

9. Be honest, transparent and trustworthy, it will echo back to u :)

10. Believe in love, its the most beautiful feeling in the world, just to quote a line from the movie "Pyaar to hona hi tha": Har insaan ko zindagi mein ek baar pyaar zaroor karna chahiye, pyaar insaan ko bahot achha bana deta hai" belive me its true!...


Abhi ke liye itna hi....more laterzzzzzzzz......

Take care guys!

*****
I think I will start a new section here for the posts of others that I really like and would like to remember. That way I have them even if they delete, change or remove their blogs and posts.

Mahiya ....the perfect song with the perfect Dude...Killer Combination

Mera "khataamm Wala" crush/infatuation.. I ran into this song today...and this video :) ....this discovery made my day....I think made my crush :) , no I think made the icing on the cake of 'Change of Fokus' post :) which seems really difficult!

Khattaam Wala Payaar

Watched Dil Chahata Hai after looooooooooooooongggggg time.....

Maaza agaya..

Don't know if the bollywood marketed true love exists or not....but the movies are so convincing to make you fall into the trap, he he he :)

I call it 'Khataam Wala Pyaar' ..that apparently is experienced by all..or as the movie showed finally realized by all three friends..

I had liked the Character 'Akash' in the past. And it stands still the same. This movie was made so brilliantly that I am falling short of words. Did not have a blog then, else would have compared my thoughts with then...

I haven't grown much since then, i.e, 2001 :) except that I remember watching it with my First Boy Friend ...Don't remember if I felt this 'Khatam waala payaar' for him or not! Did not to quantify or judge feelings and emotions back then.. Just went with the flow :) and felt or rather believed what am feeling IS the TRUE LOVE ...

Btw this movie also is the aniversary movie for the first break up :) .... he he he he he..

7 years from then, today I feel Nope it was not! To be really honest, I do not think that I have felt that Khatam wala pyaar till now..which means possibly 'Kahani Abhi Baki Hai :) '

7 years from now when I revisit this post, I don't know what am going to have to write...let see if I have or find a different name for it..

The Free Online Link to the Movie : Dil Chahata Hai


But the few things that I am convinced about life, also presented in the movie are -

1. Only two people who really really love each other should marry
2. I surely want somebody like me, no emotional jheek jheek :), only bakwaas, and some work :)
3. Love does not happen in a planned scheduled. Everything planned is only crush, infatuation, or attraction or ways of getting laid :) SIMPLE !
4. Its Magic when it happens.. (the word Magic reminded me of something beautiful in my life)
5. All relationships cannot be defined within the four letter word LOVE, which ends in Marriage
6. When you really want someone's happiness than wanting that person, you know you love that person
7. Heart break focuses you in work :) , I need to have one to finish my Phd :)
8. Control freaks will always remain control freaks
9. Genuine friendship or love never dies, it always breathes within you even if you are miles apart, have fought or run out on time!
10. If you know today, is your last day on earth, and you have only one hour the person you would want to meet is the person you love :) (for me it keeps changing every three months, he he :)
11. Words are worthless when you can hug and touch the true emotions. Its so true. It my litmus test. People say when a guy kisses, gals can make out if this guys is genuine or not! Am not so sure about that...as I think I will/might be confused due to the influence of my hormones. BUT A HUG WITH CLOSED EYES, tells me everything........I just know it. The first Hug, was so different from the last hug :) with someone with whom I just felt or experienced the 'M' of Magic :)
12. Mom's are gods creatures they just know it :)
13. Attraction is not same as Love
14. A friend told 'Love is always both sided and attraction is one sided' although I have felt 'Attraction is always both sided and love is one sided' he he he :) (this was tangent, but will check on this after 7 years as well)
15. Time is the best and the ONLY answer to everything, so do not try to run or push or cheat on time :)

16. Marriage should not or cannot be a compromise, within the marriage you can, you are allowed but the concept of 'Marriage Cannot be a compromise' !! NO WAY. It is something that you would surely want to do! Its absolute :)

I think for now...this is enough...incase I have any more enlightenment will jot them down here, as for now CUDOS' to the 'Khatam Wala Pyaar'


Amen, God Bless, Cheer's to life and love, shoove :)
Muuuuuuuuuuuuaaaaaaaaaa (khush ho gai)

...This post has to be linked to one of my previous Bakwaas 'What is Love?"

what is Love ?

I think this blog is inspired by all the marriages that happening around me over past one month and the seemingly strong and significant correlation between Love and one of its outcome 'marriage'!

Ok, my take on Love has been - It is one of the most easy concept and natural thing to do or be in ! Yet I don't understand why people struggle with it , for it, avoid it or run away from it!

Over the years these are the different versions I have heard or may be experienced -

Teenage experience suggests - its the butterflies or the bell that rings one fine day, out of blue all of a sudden in the least expected situation when your eyes or smiles clash. (waoooo it feels great to even visualize it) :)

Arranged Marriage Experience - well when you start living with someone on a daily basis under the same roof something happens, and the something is called 'love'

The more open/exploring/experimenting versions (love marriage) - well, the first time he/she held my hand I could 'FEEL' or 'Knew' its' her/him and I was in Love at first sight

The Dad-Mom version - Well, when we met I did not even see your Dad/Mom. But we knew this is the person I have to and will spend rest of my life and is my/our world. And I/We fell in love. Those days we did not think or experiment or question things so much. We knew, this is IT. (this scares the shit out of me! Hat's off they had some courage, spare me. I don't)

Ok, now all the unmarried or single experiences of love -

Post heart break - It was so good. I don't think I can feel that way again or fall in love again !!

First date experience - Oh she/he is so kewl. I think am totally..in love with this person (watch out!!)

After couple of years of dating - No, I think it was just a crush. We don't have that chemistry anymore. I think we have fallen out of love or You know what we have grow apart!

Some blessed or unblessed soul would say - Love, huh what the hell is it?

Some real angry souls would say - oh, am done with it. There is nothing as love. Its all lust and need !

For some supercritical and technical people - Oh, its an hormonal reaction that happens between adults irrespective of gender in response to some mental or physical attraction towards each other ....

For Others - Aaah, I don't have time to figure what it is! I have better things to do ! :( ( too bad)

For some - What is the need of it ? I am happy myself. I don't need someone to feel loved!!

The unconditional version - its the feeling that you get when you meet someone and you wish the best for them in whatever they do or choose. No expectation policy :)

The Compromising version - well, its the feeling that makes you do things for someone else but surprisingly it makes YOU freaking 'HAPPY' :) And you don't even realize it!

The possessive version - the feeling where he/she wants or expects to be the center of attraction in his/her life in everything.

The One-sided version settle for - Oh, it was an illusion. Just a crush or infatuation may be!

The my space version - Its the feeling of just being there and not having to even talk or communicate. It's just so comfortable, one does not even have to compromise on the 'my space' Or may be its not even needed.

The complimentary version - It's the feeling when the qualities of him/her are just complimentary to you and one balances out each other.

The non- complimentary version - Not sure if it's 'love' but yes have heard of 'opposites attract' so may be its that feeling

The platonic version - Oh, no there is no love. We are just 'Friends' (I have always had problems with this version. How can you be friends and not really love your friend, Moron!!)
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There is possibly more! But these are the few statements I have heard most frequently..the more I think about it I feel, I think, I believe its more our own mindset...even after the roller coaster I have been I think -

It's the combination of all the above versions. Not one single version is the only possible version. The more you try to focus on it, the harder it gets to get hold of it! So just Be in IT :) till you can..

It's about the willingness of letting go of yourself, simple! All the restrictions or complications are or can be attributed to the fact, 'If I am willing to do so or not ?'

The answer to above is processed by the grey cells by asking questions like 'Whom and Why' ?

:)

aah simple, looks like I figured out the most challenging question of one's life :)
and the following song suits this post the best ....