Last but not the least...

Yeah, finally made some progress in the 'Last' but not the least.

I don't know why I was just not able to get to it. May be am bored or may be am just not interested. As I don't know what's next!

I hate this uncertain phase. Last time I witnessed this uncertainty, I just completed my Master's and I was like OK, what next? I knew I wanted to do a PhD but then I also knew I did not want to do it on 'Habitat Ecology'. I wanted to do something different, something more convincing for myself, something I am more passionate about. Something that I feel I am in absolute love with.

Finally, in one weekly seminar at WII, it happened. Love at first sight, rather thought. I had already started working on the 'Hog Deer Survey Project' and I was traveling all over the Indian Terai, from Punjab to Arunachal Pradesh, witnessing the change in grasslands and hog deer population. I wanted to evaluate the change within the Indian Terai, under a single window. And how does the view from the window change with time? What does it mean for the surviving species? What does it mean for the future?

As these thoughts rambled in my brain, I ran into Advait's presentation on his PhD Pre-project and I knew what I wanted to do, followed by trip to Cambridge and the discussion with Stuart Pimm.

Yes, that was IT. And I fell in love with a question, that has driven me all these years.

Today, I have the answers to these questions and possibly more questions. But am still not it love with any of those questions. I mean I like them and they are interesting, but something is missing.

I am waiting for an idea, a question, a thought to ignite the same fire, for the following journey.

For now, I know what I am looking for and what I want, but the passion is lacking. I know am there, but still not there. Hence wait and watch. And while I do that, I am moving on with last but not the least.

And with every step and every day, I am learning more and more !

Let the learning continue, guiding me to the right path to the right answers.

Mean while, a miracle happened few days back, and I cannot deny the existence of HE WHO MUST BE NAMED ! I Call him GOD, LOVE, LIFE and FAITH. And I love it when he shows his existence through such incidents.

THANK YOU SO MUCH, I OWE YOU A BIG ONE FOR THIS MIRACLE.

Can't we just be friends?

Is it possible to be friends with someone without any caring and sharing?

Is it possible to be friends with someone who has hurt you deep?

Is it possible to be friends with someone when what you think of them and what they think of you form the diameters of a circle?

Is it possible to be friends with someone when you are on guard?

Is it possible to be friends with someone without the exchange of trust?

Is it possible to be friends with someone without the need to share and likewise?

Is it possible to be friends with someone without any exchange of expectation (affection, care, liking) ?

Is it possible to be friends with someone after having thought about it and not finding an answer?
.
.
.
.
.

MAY BE, I DON'T KNOW...

I never stayed friends with anyone who hurt me and never told a sorry or acknowledged/realized for what they did..

I guess I will find out with time, if a stranger and me, managed to remain friends...

TIME is the best healer.. as proved always...

If...

He has to stay, He Will
She has to stay, She Will
They Have to stay, They Will
Let Time Choose and Decide

*an irrelevant picture taken few years back of two friends became a symbol for something important to me*

Life ke Up and Down...

My life is going through a serious dama dol!

I hope this uncertainty will settle soon ..

I finally got the GSS notification of 'NO' you did not get the award in paper today. I already had a hunch so was not so disappointed. I think I already went through the depression of the forth coming crisis few weeks back :). So I was all prepared to receive the news. I just cannot afford to waste too much time in hopelessness :)

So anyway, there are few more options at the university to help me get through this stage. Will apply for all of them. I am sure something will workout. Specially with John beside me and giving a thought to me, just makes me think and feel that things will work out.

On the other hand, something that I was sure off, but still not certain came to the foreground. And am happy. I mean I am happy, I want to believe and I am believing everything without a pinch of doubt in it :)

I mean there is a lot of vagueness in it but yet there is a surety about certain things. For the first time, I am between "Certainty and Vagueness" unlike "Unsure and No Idea" or completely submerged in "No Idea"!

So technically not everything is "Down" and neither is everything up in the "Air" but their is an overarching cloud/breeze of 'Calmness'.

I mean if I zoom-in for tiny details then the picture quality gets fragmented or pixelated and nothing makes sense! But if I zoom out, I see a Enid Blitonish "Happy Ending" even with my bad eyes or without glasses :)

But for now its better or important to hold on to reality or view it at the actual resolution and not zoom in or zoom out! Kitna maaza ayeaga when zooming in or out won't make a difference to the picture quality, :)

Ahha that will be Bliss, I think :). Even the thought of it makes Tanu blotter happy. Am perpetually intoxicated with a cool breeze for, and am just enjoying it, :)!

Ahmen
God Bless :)

NB - On a practicle note though the calmness is making me loose the practicalism I don't know if that would be a sensible thing to do.. but may be it will be better this way..than repenting later...I hate being practicle..but since I just cannot afford to loose myself w/o ensuring that I will land on my foot I have to remain this way :( so, on a real note let me not believe in it, unless am asked to or have real reasons to believe that something concrete has happened..its better that I forget that anything ever came to the foreground! ! wonder why can't I have a simple straight forward life?

.................

How unexpected and surprising can it be to actually run or meet someone with whom u have shared a silent untold space in mind? Has this ever happened to anyone I don;t know !

My life, my experiences, my idea of him, he himself unknowingly made some significant presence in my here. I am not sure if this personality is for real or he more of a metaphysical existence in thoughts. He was neither present nor absent. He has spoken but remained silent as well. I really cannot define, evaluate or describe in words.

But the journey from how and where we met to what I have discovered or felt is very unique and different. I don't know if this strongly felt unseen bond is for real or imaginary! If he exists for real! OR is it just what I want?

There is a mysterious, omnipresent, silent, uncertain, known, metaphysical component present in this journey from comprehending, realizing, discovering and eventually meeting him someday.

He has existed in my thoughts, words and visions for years. I will let TIME help me find Him. Since its only 'TIME' that stood with me from the time I conceived him to the actual delivery.

Apprehensions :
Deep inside I feel and I have found 'HiM' there are lot of question in my mind which I have no answers for! There is a lot of truth in it besides the evident vagueness as well. This is definitely not what I was expecting to happen at this point in my life at all !

Kahaan Taak Yeh Maan Ko..

I love this song and this movie as well. Have been pissed off with certain things around. But I guess such is life. I am just hoping and wishing that things will get better. There will be new hopes, new light, new smiles coming in from somewhere..

So just reminding myself, to not give up... and keep smiling..

Have to watch this movie today Here

मेरे सवालों का जवाब दो, दो ना ....

God,

PLEASE, PLEASE AND PLEASE, I pray and pray..........

मेरी उससे बात करा दो;
कन्फर्म करा दो;
वो मेरे लिए बना है की नही ?
वो मुझे पसंद करता है की नही ?
मै उसे याद आती हूँ की नही?
वो मुझे याद करके मुस्कुराता है की नही?
वो भी इन् सवालों से जूझता है की नही ?
उसे भी मेरे से बात करने में मज़ा आता है की नही?
उसको मेरे ऊपर क्रुष है की नही ?
Please please बता दो,
बस मेरे सवालो का जवाब दे दो,
हा या ना ?
इधर की उधर?
मुझे कोई डर नही है,
बस आप बता दो;
या फिर उसी से पुछवा दो,
हाँ की ना?
अगर हाँ, तो अब हम क्या करें?
इक साथ चलें की मुक्कर जाए?
अगर ना, तो आपको तो परेशान करना बाँध करुँगी;
(But that's only for the time being)
Because, आपके बच्चे को तो मैं धुंद के रहूंगी;
लेकिन कन्फर्म तो कराओ पहले की येः वों नही है !

You have always, always answered my question for real.
Please answer this one too !!!
I promise I will not ask for anything on this for a while :)
Please, Please, Please !!
I pray, I pray, I pray...

I am shocked..................

Dear tanu

There is a bad news, Firoz's wife Mehrun expired on 11 January 09 at 1045am. Please write to him if you get time.

Bibhuti

******

I don't know what to say. Am shocked. Firoz is my friend (herpetologist) from Assam. His wife was detected of cancer the day he won the Best Wildlife Warden of the year in 2007. I had met her early last year during my field trip in N.E. She had undergone chemotherapy and was doing fine. I am shocked I don't know what to say. He is such a nice person. I don't know why such terrible things happen to good people....!!! :((

I don't know what to say even if I all him :(( God, please give Firoz the strength to live through this and peace to Meherun's soul. The first shock of the year.. :( and don't know what to say !!!

Huh ?

Yah, a big question mark!
Am not sure if what happen today or did not happen today -

1. Is a sign, or
2. An answer to my prayers, or
3. Destiny, or
4. An answer to my inner conflict, or
5. An entirely random incident, or
6. Nothing!

I will have to wait for a whole year or my be more to get the context of 'goodness' in today's incident ! Am not sure if am happy, sad, disappointed, affected or unaffected, unless it is an answer to my prayers and others who are praying for me. Something tells me there IS something about today, else the puzzle would have been resolved. I do not understand, why am I always chosen to witness such incidents?

Someone was supposed to come and meet me during the Christmas break. This soul wanted to come earlier too but never turned up. And am not the one who pursues things if the other is not interested. So anyway I did not bother. His first attempt to meet was in August. Somehow we got re-connected again in Nov. And he choose to come over. I was like Ok, but somehow I felt something missing. There was something MISSING...in his wanting to meet or reasons to meet. And I had my own doubts. So anyway, he was supposed to come on the 26th and I was praying the LORD, aloud that PLEASE spare me from Meeting anyone who is NOT meant to be... and save my time. I do not want to meet anyone who lacks sincereity. I litterally prayed aloud.

Ma, was like... keep your negative vibes out. I was not really negative. But I was very clear that I DO NOT WANT TO WASTE MY TIME. So do not make it happen if its not meant to be. THAT's IT. And guess what, after saying Good night and see you tomorrow...he calls in 30mins and says...Hey, there is a slight problem..

Me : What happened?
He : My flight IS canceled because of snowstorm warnings!
Me : WHAT !! (in my mind I knew, the lord heard me)
He : Looks like we will have to postpone our meeting...
Me: Ya, looks like. Bad timing. But no worries... next time.
He : Ya, so let me know when you are around in CA
Me : (in silence) Ya, RIGHT ! You wish !! Are you Dumb?
. ................

Ma : SHOCKED to the core... she was speechless
Me : Shocked to the core...and surprised.. .. at my own ability to communicate with the universe

While all this happened I was talking to someone whole heartedly, with a an unknown element, to someone I recently met.. with the only conviction that I only have this day... to talk to him... who knows what in store for me tomorrow...!!!

Whatever it is God, please stand beside me. And guide me to my destiny... wherever it is...

First Time..

For the first time..
I have crush on someone from my race.... :)
I am sure I will be over it soon..but I rejoicing the fact.. I could actually manage to have a crush on someone from my clan :)

Am basking in its glory as much as I can before I fall out of it.. :)
This has never happened in past...30++ years :)

I shall be out of it by February ... :) so not much time left..

Sensible Words from Rick Again !!

"You have a lot happening on a psychological level now, but it needn't get in the way of your productivity. In fact, you can put your emotions to work by letting others know what they need to do to win your approval. Being clear with your expectations is crucial, yet you must also lead by example. Don't ask anyone else to do something unless you are prepared to do it too"

How do you know so much, is what I wonder?
I think I am perpetually always in Crush or Infatuation, 24 7, 365 days :) !!
As I consistently loose focus on the focused after three months :)

Phew!! Rick stop making sense all the time !

My Eigen Vector

please help find me the absolute solution (Eigen vector) of the temporal dynamic matrix which consists of complex and non-real numbers. The matrix I am dealing with is temporal in nature and also has significant spatial variability.

Eigen vectors are the absolute solutions of a stochastic matrix and are independent of the initial vector, temporal and spatial variability too. But since most ecological models have strong spatial and temporal component these variabilities have to be incorporated in the stochastic matrix and examine if the Eigen Vectors are still its absolute solution.

Anyway, all nonsense apart, help me find my real Eigen vector so that I can focus for real and say bye bye to Peter for good !!

Where are you 'My Eigen Vector'?

Help me find IT ....universe...

Sweet Dream

Had a sweet dream for real after a long time...
Reason - I think am stressed so it came to make me smile in sleep and after sleep too :) the feeling of the dream is making me smile even now :)

Pre-dream situation: Woke up at 830am, came to school at 10 and started working...could not locate my passport yesterday so after 2 hrs of work went home to look for it again... FOUND it :) relaxed.... came to school ...figured out that I would need instate tuition waiver for the spring semester..!! kinda worried what to after funding ends in dec !!

Worked till 5 from 130, was feeling very sleepy..had tea twice... still sleepy.. so went home.. and slept from 5 to 6pm, that's when came the sweet dream :)

Summary of the dream

"some guy was talking to me or may be visiting me whom I don't really know. He was talking to me with lot of conviction, confidence and right..as if he knows me or I am supposed to know him..I was continuously asking him if he is X, Y, Z or J...It was funny as I was remembering all my friends and asking him, oh are you this, he would just nod his head and keep talking and smiling ... we were just talking about random stuff, and I was only focused on asking why is he here, how did he know me or what does he want from me, and who gave him the address of my place..many such stupid questions followed with me or us having tea too :) ..

offcourse he was none of the friends or people I knew or have known till now..he did not resemble anybody I have known till now not even Shekhar Ravijani :) and I do not remember the face either. Interestingly after every suggestion I would myself rule out the possibility as they did not resemble the person I was talking to..after lot of persistence and patience all this dream guy tells, you remember you emailed a person two weeks back who was asking about your field work in Assam I am the far fetched cousin..friend..some faar faar related person to that....person who emailed you !!!!

I started laughing in the dream and told, come on that's the stupidest connection I have heard or farthest cursh or fan following till date.. but it feels great :) In the dream he tells am not just a fan, am more than a fan... :) at this point I burst out into laughter and asked 'kyon ceiling fan ho kya, jisko pakaad ke lataak jaun ya galee mein phanda dallooon"

At this comment we both burst out into laughter and I could not believe that I was bakwaasing in my dream too!!! I woke up laughing :), staring at the ceiling and hearing the tick-tock of the watch ....with the arms vertical on the dial :) ....looking at my big smile, my mom asked what happened :) .....I was like....I want to fall asleep agaon :) no wonder it was a dream !!

Moral of the dream - the dream was sweet because in the dream I saw the passion and persistence in the person in trying and wanting to find me and reach me :) During the last days' of PhD people get nightmares and am getting sweet dreams!!

Is something terribly wrong with me or Am I not doing a Phd ?
Kuch to hai :) Either of these has to be true !! And I hope its not the last option !!

Scavenging Motivation..

When I started on this path 5 years back, I knew day in and day out that I loved it the most...I knew there is nothing else I wanted to do or find then answering 'How has the landscape change in North Bengal and Assam affected the Terai Grasslands'. It was like a conviction deep inside me that I wanted to find answers for, for myself! And my love for it was challenged by lot of social issues, personal choices and professional challenges!!

Today am almost at the end of this journey, and Honestly speaking sometimes I feel I am burned out! I am tired. I feel I have fallen out of love with it, I have just stopped feeling the thrill the adrenaline rush that I used to feel every time I read this question! I don't know if this is the normal path or trend for all PhD's but I feel am loosing it! When I know am almost there! I know I have to hold on to it, as this is it! This is all I wanted to know! This is all that I cared at some point in my life!

Loneliness, life usual ups and downs, studying and being all by yourself in a foreign country, begging for permissions to work in your own country, to answer something that benefits none but them, to let down your ego and accept that the officer in charge knows it all, raising funds to be able to go back and do the work, sailing against the flow, accepting that you are nothing but just a tiny filthy researcher or scientist who loves to stay in a forest all by herself for months forgetting everyone because it was her choice, facing unwelcoming situations, messed up personal life..has eaten out a lot of my passion, painted the rosy picture dark, and consumed the love that I started with! It's hard to explain and understand sometimes why people fall out of love. But the same I guess is happening to me and am trying hard to remember every cost I have paid and remind myself of people who still have faith in me, who are looking forward for me to come back some day..who believe in me..

God give me strength, and faith so that I walk and complete this last leg of the journey. Be with me. I am not lonely if you are around, I know I will make it to the end, if you are with me, like you have been always, and thanks for all the people who are helping me scavenge and restore my motivation in this five year long affair!

The most committed relationship of my life ! THE ONLY, I guess..someone told correctly 'True love blossom only when challenged' THIS IS an absolute truth for me, for the Questions I had/have to answer!!

0. What are we benefiting if you want to study or how does it help me if you get a PhD, why should we agree to you going abroad, US, or you go for your PhD abroad?
1. Di, where will you give us a treat when you finish your Phd and start working?
2. Sweetu now we will only after you finish your Phd.
3. Mipi di...you don't give up...am waiting for the treat you said you will take me once you have a job..
4. Moina, Janu, Di - When are you coming to India next?
5. Moinadi, before you start your job I want to go on a road trip with you to NE. Sure.
6. A one month holiday trip to NE and Rajasthan on my next trip to India. We will plan it.
7. Dida, passport will be done this Dec. I will make sure its done, then you will be able to take her along with you next year. I so much want to bring 'Nani' next year to the US when I graduate.
8. Visiting WII and meeting all those people who thought I was not capable of doing any scientific thinking !
9. Meet the faculty eye to eye who told, "I can ruin your career if I want to" !! FUCK!
10. Meet the person who told, just register here and finish your PhD asap! What's there in a Question!
11. Stand infront of all the rejections I have had in general in my life and look back at them with a pride!
12. Eurotrip :) , backpack in the Andes, Maya Civilization, and see the Chimps!
13. Go to India on a complete holiday..NO WORK..only shooting, sleeping and eating..
14. Di, wapaas ajao! We will have fun when u have a job here, and we all have settled..
15. Moinadi, do you think you can work on this script ?? :) :) (HIDDEN HIDDEN bucket list desire)
16. See my parents finally relaxed...
17. Find 'jhimli' the only lamp and light that I has given me the faith to move on..

MOVE ON..............

And look what Rick has to tell me today...this guy really makes sense at times :), thanks Rick!!

"The weight of the future could bear down on you now as you try to figure out where your current path is leading. But it's hard to see around the next corner and the more you try, the greater your frustration. Instead of looking too far forward, it makes more sense to focus your attention on what's happening in the present moment." [ he he he ...so true!!]

By Rick Levine

Saturday, September 27, 2008
more from Tarot.com »

why is it so difficult to want what you get?
When what you want is what you would never get!

Life seems to never stop from its tricks and games. How I wish I could have just asked for those simple things! I don't know if this would be a regret but I think wanting everything from life is a bit challenging and that never gives you the time or mindset to rest. There is always something at the next, there is never a silence at what's next!

Sometimes I wish I could fly away far from all this...

Anyways... more later...
Be strong Be steady Be honest Be straight and You will never Be wrong :)
Amen