First time

It was a beautiful day..nice sunny and bright. Spring was in the air, birds were chirping, flowers were budding, leaves were wanting to peek out..But there was a lull in Luna's life. The stillness engulfed her bright sunny morning.

She had just bye to Ryan after 10 years of there togetherness. It was never the perfect togetherness she had wanted or wished but she was happy with whatever she had till the happiness was too little to even notice. Life moved because it had to be moved. He was there but still never there. But she was scared. She was scared to walk by herself again. But she was any way always on her. She was scared to be lonely again.

She woke up that morning wanting to feel the sunrise, the sunset, the laughter, her smile, the breeze she used to hear 10 years back. She wanted to feel the rain, hear the river, walk on the grass, breath once again all for herself. Just for herself.

So she drove into the mountains, into the canyons. She walked to the river she met him. She stood there for a while trying to remember the last time she was there with him. She could not even remember where they held hands together for the first time. She kept walking next to the flowing river wanting to be the river. Wanting to flow, Wanting to go on the path she has never been. She sat at the corner smiling at the ripples and wondering what it would be to jump into it.. the water seemed warm, it won't hurt she thought. It's not cold anymore. The ice age just got over. She felt the sun burning her skin. She settled down under the tree at the corner counting the stones chucking into river for the memories she kept in her heart.

It was noon, time just flew by. She knew its going to happen today so she waited for the hour they had decided to meet. She had met him yesterday at Star bucks. It was 1:00 pm.

There you are he said. As he popped up from behind. She just smiled back. She looked at the eyes she did not know, she did not want to know. She had stopped reading them. He hugged her and held her hand. She just let him hold it. He joined her in chucking pebbles at the river.

They sat silent for sometime. Atleast that's what she felt. She could not hear anything that he was saying. She finished chucking her pebbles to the river and looked at him. He looked back. She stared into his eyes and kissed him. She walked out of love, once and for all. She was free again. She was breathing again. She heard the river. She felt the warmth of sunshine, she heard the birds chirping, she felt the breeze, she felt the rain, she felt everything but love!

She was over with it. She did what she never wanted to do ever. She felt no pain any more. She was smiling for herself. She was flowing with the river in the path she had never traveled before. She was on her own, she was not scared anymore, she did not want love anymore!

Making Love and Sex

Have you ever wondered - how and if the above two acts are different?
My recent flare writing about relationships and every tiny miny details of a relationship is the strong urge to think aloud 'what I want' in my mind... and be clear about things as much as possible...

So, the other day I had a date. It was with a friend I had known for a while but I have never been romantically or hormonally attracted towards him. It was one my best dates right from the time the 'ring' on the door bell. I had never seen this side of my friend. All these days whenever he came to pick me up for our bike ride he would be banging at the door as if he is playing a tabla..singing aloud in his uncoordinated off tune voice...and every time he showed up... I would open the door to a unshaven, messy guy, with his shirt half out, half tucked in, loose jeans, with dirt, dust and paint all over and a stupid blue cap backwards...

He would barely kick the shoes off his feat, open the fridge grab the beer can, or juice, or something...finish it one gulp and then....scream at the top of his voice 'tanu, lets go lets go....'

So impatient! Always in a hurry! as if he always running...he is a tornado, lost in his own world... the longer he is in my apartment the stronger I feel a earthquake and everything rambling... restless and impatient..but the good thing is he is always like this, so he is consistent with his restlessness :) my friend is pretty much aware of this opinion of him as I do not take any attempt to hide it either. but the best thing about him is ' he smiles at whatever I say or anybody says to him' He is pretty clear of how he is and does not care about what other think about him... above all.. he has a big, a Million dollar smile, on him always... so even if he is a tornado, he is the best...and I like him... had it been not for his smile, I think he would have been a total turn off to me. Well for me, even to be friends and be interacting with someone there has to be some passion, some magic, some energy... some excitement.. the brilliant combo of 'smiles and energy' made him the perfect, my best friend. Sometimes I used to just call him a 'mood' lifter specially during PMS days... he is the perfect doze of energy you need during those days.. he would never get the reasons of my small mood swings but he would be like .. you are getting more irritated today than other days... the best thing with him is it..that you have to know to modulate him, in his ways.. some how after spending 3 long years with him I just knew how to control him as well :) ... and he knew how to control me :) ... we did it silently in complete knowledge of each other but without spelling it out... to put it correct 'he let me control him, and I did the same too' ok, so we had the sweetest and best relationship ever of simple love, affection, honesty, disappointment, anger... everything was very simple with him since he has a mirror face, smile and heart. Every thought in his heart will be written in bold letters on his face or he will just say it. So, basically there were lot of reasons for me to tolerate his tornado-ish behavior or attitude.

So, back to what I was saying - we had the best chemistry devoid of hormones. It was a personal choice and decision by both. We just did not want to screw up what we had.. I think we both believed that falling or rising in love has got more to do with mind..and BF-GF relationship need not be the only bonding to express it... and one can be totally platonic and still love the other person equally...

anyway...so this was one the PMS days.. i was off...and irritated.. so I called him..and said...i need a mood lifter.. he was like 'yes, maam at your service' I got more irritated...and told him he need not come if he is buzy.... he was like OK, and hung up the phone... I was so mad at him and screamed in my mind ' insensitive, inconsistent, unemotional, uncaring, stubborn pig; am not going to talk to him; takes me for granted; bla bla bla'

There was no reason for me to think this way...but at that point I was myself under the influence of my hormones 'PMS' so I was overly sensitive and emotional.. anyway...so I go back to reading my book. In 30 mins my door bell goes 'ting tong'

I drag myself out of my lousy bed..and open the door....and what I had infront of me was unimaginable!

A million dollar smile, a twinkle in the eye, a clean shaved face, no dirty blue cap, no chewing gum, no dog chain around the neck, a blue shirt, ironed and well tugged into his jeans, clean pair of sneakers with the lace tied in, and above all totally off the belt 'bunch of flowers (carnation) ' staring at my face

I stood at my door for 5 mins, in my pajama's, staring at this guy, whom I had never seen before.
"hello" queen of get lost - get ready we are going out for dinner. ...

me - wao.....what's wrong with you? why are you being so nice.

"nothing is wrong with me. something is wrong with you. now get ready..i have reserved the place for dinner"

me - wait wait you actually reserved a place for dinner. you mean you had the time to call the resturant and reserve a place for us..

"yes, queen of get lost. now don't waste my and your precious time. lets go"

he pushed me into the rest room and locked the door.
as I was taking shower, I was thinking for the first time. Man, he would make such a nice BF. So romantic and sensitive. So, I took almost 30 - 45 mins to get ready I think. And to my surprise he did not even scream ones! He was listening to music, silent and calm. I did not feel his tornedo-ish effect at all.

So I got ready and was putting on my heels, when he came from behind, tapped on my shoulder, and said 'you look gorgeous'; pulled my cheek and said ' all you need to look priceless is a smile' ...
he held my back and stepped me out of the apartment, locking the door behind him and handing me back they keys. He had his left arm on my shoulder as we were walking. We talked our way to the place he had reserved. I wanted to take my car. He insisted on walking. I don't what was wrong with me that day 'I was listening to everything he was saying'. Am never like that.. It felt as if I am just following his silent instruction with full consent and my own willingness. I felt I was doing it for him more than doing for myself.. I was very silent...as I was recording all these things, each and everything he was doing in my head... and enjoying each and every second, every moment. Every moment of him that day felt like bliss. So, we walked and talked...much less than we usually do... he did ask couple of times why was I silent. I had no answers...I did not want to answer I guess...I only kept him asking 'whats wrong with you? why are you so nice today?' he never answered my question but kept smiling... and we talked our usual daily chorus... him, her, she, bla bla bla...

we reached the place he had reserved..it was our favorite dining. the waiter took us to the place marked reserved. we used to stop here on our way home from bike ride. So it was a nice, warm, small and inexpensive place which we both could afford. a very common hang out place. but since it was a Saturday there weren't many people there. it crowded during the week by students. the corner the waiter took us had another flower, thats something I had never noticed all this while. she got us the menu and served me wine and him diet coke. He did not drink. I did not know that you guys serve wine, was my immediate comment!

No, maam, sir left us with this bottle 30 mins back and asked us to serve it. Now this was too much for me...and too much to expect from the 'tornado' i knew.. I just looked at him... he smiled...this is date, girl, so lets have fun... I never ever imagined in my dream that 'tornedo' can ever take out anybody for a date or be so sensitive and romantic..everything he did that day was like the right thing, the right time...the right way.. he was Mr. Right for that day...we knew what each of us liked...since we had eaten there a zillion times...we ate and talked.. and I kept asking him..why did he decide for a date, and did not even ask me, bla bla bla...

"he had only two things to say - surprise and I wanted to do this for you and make you smile. today's day is all about you and for you. tomorrow I might not be the same. but today is for you. everything that I had wanted to do for you"

for the first time, the insensitive, unemotional, restless, pig - touched my heart with his warmth, calm and solitude. we became one that day. Such is making love. You do it for the other, because the other is none but you..you love the other, so much that you feel one.. your I and you merges to one...you are so much into each other that the place, the ambiance does not matter.. two together is a world so complete..... silent, calm, peaceful...

offcourse I was in tears many times...and he would make me laugh..we walked back..we hugged...we talked...we smiled...and through the whole process we had made love in the most brilliant and creative way that one could has ever done before.. it was bliss...by the time we reached home, we did not want to let go of each other...we talked and talked the whole night...the physical expression of love at that point was nothing compared to what we had experienced through out the evening...

we had slept off chatting ...next morning...when we woke up... he had his half tucked shirt, the dirty blue cap...and the dog chain around his neck...

I was like 'where the hell, did these things come from?'

It was in my pocket and I had left them here before we went out yesterday..I know you don't like them...but I cannot be a gentleman like yesterday everyday :) I am a man and I need sex, I cannot make love everyday...I have to be in my tornado girl...

I was laughing my gut out...and I hugged him back...and thanked god, for dispatching such a brilliant person, behind the dirty shirt and jean.....


Blog Disclaimer - all opinion expressed here are purely mine and has no association with any fictional soul :)

Where was he?

It was unbelieving to believe what was happening in their lives.

He had actually met someone on shaadi.com and had actually liked her. So did she. She was surprised at herself. She could not believe that she was actually having some feelings for someone she had never met or even seen. It was hard to believe for him too, that someone really liked him. But she did. They both were surprised at amazed to actually accept that shaadi.com kind of things actually work or do happen for real! They were going through it for the first time...they had only seen friends and had heard about it. But this was happening to them.....

Sometimes they wondered - was this love or just a crush or infatuation? They were sure it was not love, as it did not feel like one! It was neither crush or infatuation. It was something in between. They named it '6'. Neither 10 nor a zero! It was the language only understood by them. It was like a float and they both choose to be just be there...

(I was watching them, enjoy, talk, smile, live, laugh, share ...almost a life of togetherness)

Both had seen love in the past. So they knew it was not love for sure because they believed that love takes lot of time to creep in. But they agreed that it was a comfort-ness, a willingness to listen to someone, the willingness to believe that not everybody is bad, a willingness to accept that sometimes bad things do happen and you have to just let go of it, and believe in the present, the desire of wanting to talk and wishing to find out about the other person, the comfort of being honest, of not having to put up an act, to pretend, to just be yourself.. added to it was the desire of wanting to discover the new person, the thrill of looking forward to someone who was being honest and himself as well... it was not about having to talk, or having to do something for the other BUT wanting to talk, wanting to listen, wanting to be there... ..They were in 'fix with 6'. They were happy to find someone who felt likewise for the other. May be it was peace with some doubts here and there about each other... some dreams...some hopes and some worries...but thats what IS life....

( I watched them talking and enjoying the present...unaware of the destiny)

They did not know it would be like this when they first communicated. She found him. But soon both took the responsibility of discovering the other. It was he who used to talk most of the time. She was the listener. In real life they both were listener and took time to open up. Between the two she was more spontaneous and less constipated in real life. But she needed response or actions to be so. She was slow, shy and calm. Her wilderness was subjected to response. He was slow with respect to expressing and actions. But they seem to have over come this difference while talking...

(I knew them since childhood. I knew of their short comings. I also knew that if they were to remain patient and calm they would discover the warmth in companionship pretty soon. Talking and communicating, I believe lies at the base and essence of any pyramidal relationship, specially a marriage since words is all that you will have when your hormones fly away)

So they kept talking and along with it slid in the feeling of atleast wanting to know the person more, the real him/her, his weakness, her fears, his insecurities, her sorrows, his sadness, her pain, his joys, hes smiles, his fears and her tears. He wanted to know the real person behind the smile. She wanted to touch the person behind the restless soul. They decided to meet.

They did not know what the other exactly felt... but they knew for sure that they DID feel something may be '6' . They did not know what to expect. But in their minds they had painted a picture of each other. A reflection of possibly what they wanted as a WIFE or a HUSBAND !

She - found him nice, caring, sensitive and loving, Thats what she had wanted as a 'Husband' ;

He - found her cool, fun loving, adventures, exciting, Thats what he has wanted as a 'Wife'

After these basic needs are met they expected.....

She - her husband to be 'cool, fun loving, adventures, exciting'
He - his wife to be 'nice, caring, sensitive and loving'

( I was worried as they were expecting opposites of what they had seen in each other or shown to each other or told either - YIN_YANG! I wondered if they will they have the time to discover and read each others expectations? Will they ignore all the differences and believe in the common knot they had, yet they had made so far! They both had seen their own share of the world. And I believed it was time for them to share and exchange each others notes...and laugh at the miseries, smile at the dim days...as they had found that 'someone' who would walk with them till the end. I wondered if they would want to resolve the differences and conflicts, that would run into while traveling together? They just seemed so perfect for each other with complete picture of each other....)
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It was 11th day of the month...He had planned to visit her. He had left JFK. She was at the airport to receive him. But he never reached. Destiny had planned something else for them. The person she spoke to never reached ! He got lost somewhere in between...

She kept wondering for days, weeks and months where he might me? Why he never came? What happened? Why he never called? Why he never picked up the phone? What happened to the flight he was coming? The 5 days that she had thought would have been spent in warmth, in companionship, in love, in affection, in care all seemed to have got lost somewhere. There was noting but complete stillness as if you stood in the desert by yourself.

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I just stood there staring at the red wall, in moist eyes and aching throat changing the date on my Calender to 12 September 2008 and wondering, why did she have to meet him at all?

Gone With the Wind..

Yah, I think am finally 'DONE' with men and relationships. The more I think about it, the people I came across, my experiences may be I am not meant to be in it! May be I am not meant for it.

Yupp.

I just feel it. Now hang on for a minute -

Is this an after effect of meeting Mr. Perfect (or Mr. Pig) ? Or have I been in this stage since I met pre-Pig :) ? Or is all the men I met in my life were pigs?

Well I will take that back. Not really. The one I ended up in a relationship with were pigs :) Others were great friends. Why is there such a contrasting experience between them?

I don't know. I guess I will never know. But, sometimes I just wonder how to get over this mixed feeling of love and hate towards, Mr. Pig :) ?

Every time I remember our phone conversation the right side of my auricle beats harder. Immediately as a recovery measure I replay the 4 days date in my head. Soon the jingle of the bells from the right auricle is lost within the banging doors of the left auricle which sends signal to my pituitary to release more adrenaline in my blood. Eventually it reduces the heart rate within the right auricle and I can clearly hear my brain saying aloud - "IT WAS NOT MEANT TO BE FOR YOU"

Wonder which memory should I held on to ? 4 days or a month? They give different reactions and reasons to looks for pigs :) !

Anyway I guess for now I will play and replay the 4 days as often as I can so that I have no guilt left in hating Mr. Pig or making him non-existent! But it surprises me how a person who could be talking with care and affection be so rude and inconsistent!!

Ahha, my turn offs - inconsistent, show off, balding :) , bog teeth, grumpy face

Shaadi.com days

Its high time I think I start writing about my years with or on shaadi.com!! I don't know if and when I will get freedom from visiting there but I think I should pen down my memories spent in there looking for that someone special in my life...

This post is dedicated to the first guy I happened to meet through DOT.com ! Prior to this the chemistry wasn't good enough to even graduate to the level of meeting. So, here I am talking about this guy, who was not meant to be the person to be with me..

The first time I read his profile, I was intrigued to just tease him or harass him for his idealistic profile, infront of which perfection would shy away. Anyway so I started communicating with this guy over email, when I was in India. I had only breezed through his idealized profile prior to talking to him 3 weeks from when I started communicating with him over email.

I think it was only at the 2nd conversation that I actually went and read his profile correctly, as was contemplating man, is it possible that someone knows himself so well, and he actually IS what HE thinks himself to be? Most of the time we have a very wrong impression of who we actually are and who we want to be! In our heads those two are same but in real world and to most the two personalities in our head do not really coincide. Am sure there are lot of things in me that I am sure does not match with something I think myself to be...

Anyway so going to the .DOT.com days - so the conversation with this Mr. Perfect was just, like magic. We just had so much to converse, to share, common hobbies and interest. It just seemed too good to be true. A matured, sensitive, sensible, loving, caring guy and above all into outdoors and doing all these activities. I must be kidding to have met a person with all these tools in one box!! I was really really amazed at gods creation. How can he make something so perfect? Someone wanting to adopt, so much so that he would not want his own child!! Everytime I came across these thoughts and such conversion I would pinch myself to check if I am really talking to someone or just talking to myself. Such were the conversions. It was almost like check mate :)

My only and only concern and worry was what if I get turned off by his physical appearance? I had never bothered in my life about how a person looked. To me the personality, the overall nature of the person always valued more than if he was a tall dark handsome dude..atleast thats what I thought...and I was confident about until I met Mr. Perfect. I was really worried and nervous since I was going to withstand my own test set by myself my meeting someone, who had receding hair line, was not drop dead gorgeous and was balding !! I was really nervous thinking what if how he looked over weighed his personality? What if I fail to walk on my own set rule? That was what I was only unsure about for the past month I was communicating with Mr. Perfect. I knew deep down, that we had lot of things in common and nothing could stop us from sailing together unless I turned him down for his looks! It was just the perfect cocktail of emotions, affection and adventure that I needed in the monkey I was looking to settle down in my life....

The day to met the mate, finally came. I was excited to pick him up from the airport. I remember each and every second of the 30 minutes spent at the airport waiting for his flight, since it was delayed. I stood behind the stairways, way back from the main view just so that I see him first. From where I stood, I first saw the legs of a person, followed by hands if they were resting on the escalator, until it came till then end when I could see the face. The airport was exceptionally crowded that day. And I had no trouble in scanning for trousers or bald heads of the people getting down the escalator. Somehow from our conversation I knew that he was wearing formals. So any legs that came down the escalator clad in jeans were outside my matter of interest. So were the not brown hands that rested on escalator as it pushed its way down. My eyes were glued to the escalator like never before. I sms-ed my friend that I was nervous, what if turns to be a complete turn off ?? I imagined all the fair bald guys coming down the escalator in brown and asking myself - turn on or off?

My phone quacked all of a sudden as I was scanning the escalator for the brown, formal clad legs. It was him. His flight had landed and he was on his way out to the baggage claim area. As I said him bye, I saw a small toddling figure huddling out from the crowd into the baggage area in a grey shirt and black pant with a not so balding head. It was HIM. Well, I looked at him from a distance, and I heard my heart say - NOT a straight TURN OFF. Phew!! I was so relaxed. I made my way through the crowd slowly called out for his name and say - Hi, I am here.

Had a proper look at him as I walked towards him with a smile. He was much shorter and stouter than I had imagined. Not Fat but yes stout. Receding hairline but within the tolerable zone. Do not remember the smile as I never saw it after that but had big teeth. He stood there for a while till I bent forward to give him a hug. It felt nice.

Then started the most interesting journey of my life. He had is teeth out I think with the following sentence repeated thrice " you look different". "very different from all the snaps". " I think you are a sure ghost". "A Total ghost I think"....

I was shy, smiling and quiet. But repeated bombardment of the above line in few seconds I met made me say "yah, you look shorter than your snaps". That was the first and last comment I made about his looks, as it did not matter to me so much specially in context to the memories of conversation we had.

In few minutes we were out of the airport after checking out the car, with few more repeated bombardments about my 'Ghostly appearance' and my 'shyness' with regard to meeting someone from DOT.com. I don't know why I was so shy, but I was. May be because I was feeling romantic or wanted him to be romantic, or I was happy or I was feeling something... (Am yet to find out why are people shy when they meet someone they like) ...anyway... so I was shy, smiling and quiet... and talking general stuff.. I had never met anybody through DOT.com before so was not very mechanical about it. I think I was acting through my emotions. Anyway so we hit the highway 89 to take exit to 3300S, for shyam's place when I asked him the first and last question - So, what do you think ? I took sometime to understand the reply he gave, but for then it OK.

"nothing", am not judgmental ! the next few words just rushed out of my mouth before I could eat them :) "if you are not judgmental how are you going to or planning to choose a wife, I think you are more judgmental than most since you are putting an extra effort in not being judgmental"

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the next couple of days were history. My jaws had started to pain sooner than I had expected due to the artificial smile I had to force on myself. The main reasons for the forced smiling were asking to taste wine at 230 midnight as soon as one lands in a strangers home (may be he did not think me to be a stranger); forcing and wanting to drive through the not so rugged mountain and curvaceous road and off course for not finding anything worth praising about the place ( i think he was the first person I met in my 5 years who did not find Logan beautiful and gorgeous, mind it I have had friends and guests from US, Europe, Australia, and offcourse India) ; amazed at his own capability to stand in snow, in middle of snow blizzard, in cold in a stupid red T-shirt; offcourse note worthy was his deep (IN) consideration to keep increasing the AC irrespective of the other persons cold and allergy due to temperature fluctuation; needless to mention his needless effort to show off about hiking in tough terrains, so much so that he was not interested to even have a look at the mountains here if he did not get to climb some tough peaks.... and the list continued..........be it doing some challenging treks, driving successfully in such dumb terrains, or achieving one's set target at rock climbing...

by the end of 2nd day I was not sure what was this person trying to convey and what was he visiting me for? He was trying to impress me or may be he is always so excited about himself that he never notices what other people around or what they want! If it was about impressing then I think he did a great job of impressing me about him being a kewl activity partner. But I thought we met on DOT.com and the goal was to find out if we can be good life partner's ? A husbands and wife, a parent to children, a family together ?

There was a huge vacuum between us in what we were expecting from each other. I was expecting a nice, loving, caring, sensitive, emotional (sometimes, if not always) - guy, a man. Whom I wanted to love, and I knew I could. He was expecting a hot, chick or babe to drink and dance to glory to go to club and eventually make out and check the chemistry :) ? An activity partner!!!

Oh, my gosh, I was actually talking to a ghost then! Phone conversations can be so misleading since it forces the persons attention and focus to just you, which might not be the basic nature of the person. How sensitive, caring, nurturing a person is in reality can only be judged based on how considerate he is about you in presence of other distractions :) . I spent the most boring weekend of my life, in complete silence for more than 72hrs!! How much ever hard I tried there was just nothing to converse. And the sensitive, caring, loving, affectionate vision that I had of Mr. Perfect soon changed to an "arrogant, inconsiderate, insensitive, immature PIG" - One drive, thats it. If you have to know a person, thats all you need to do. Go for a drive. A TEST DRIVE :) the real person will be out infront of you by the end of the TEST drive :)

To add further icing on the cake, Mr.Pig, does not have the courtesy or decency to tell before he takes off a "Thanks, I had good time but Sorry, I think this won't work".

Although I did not like lot of things about Mr. Pig, I still thought that it could work, if he realized or understood that marriage is more than activity partner, or clubbing, pubbing and dancing is bound to happen among couples if they are romantic which is limited only by time and disappearance of discomfort - ness !! But Mr. Pig is not only piggish but, also immature. Besides for me my long term goals and expectation from life on adoption and social work were bigger than these difference and I choose to make it work... But I think Life had made the decision and choice for me already.

Life did not want me to end up with Mr. Pig, in the first place, since I think life knew his true nature :) - a pig.

So much so that, he does not call or email after he leaves; he denies to pick up my call; but makes the effort to send an email immediately after the call saying "I think you would have understood by now" - king of PIGS :) actually I think a PIG is better than him :) ....infact his piggish nature is so strong that he puts the pics that I took of him during the trip on his .DOT.com profile :) - saying 'Ain't I kewl ?'

I don't know if I should pity the soul he finds, but all I can say is I do not deserve a pig, infact a real PIG might be better than him any day I think. No wonder, I was so sick and allergic during the days he was around..and I could not find my new eye lenses!!

I ran into my new eye lenses, today while cleaning at its more than 12hrs that I am wearing them and am perfectly fine - glowing and shining. I can say nothing but 'THANK YOU' to life for saving me from not falling in love with a creature worse than a PIG :), how about a leach :) ???

I think that suits him better :) a leach :D ... and his profile about himself... OH, thats nothing but what he thinks himself to be, or he craves or longs to be... I pray for the soul within him to realize the difference in who he thinks he IS, who he really IS !!

He was not meant to be.....

It is very difficult not to sound egotistic and not use clichéd concepts in a matrimonial site. However, i will try my best. However, i believe that one can understand only through direct interaction.

About us:
If you cook, i do the dishes; and if i cook, you don’t have to do the dishes. At least once a week, both of us drink and then dance or watch a movie either at home or at the theater. Sometimes, i may purposefully disturb you while you are doing something serious, as a reaction you can get angry and even yell at me. If you disturb me while i am doing something, i won’t get irritated, well at least for the first seven years. All fights will be null and void after a day. Differences are settled either by discussion, argument or through pillow fight. Public display of affection is perfectly normal. However, i believe that a relationship should start with some wavelength match and being good friends. If it clicks and if there is chemistry, we can take it to the next level.

About her:
She has a josh for life, is spontaneous, energetic, social, understanding, respects people and sometimes crazy. She values her friends and her career and will not forsake those for the sake of her partner. She likes her surname and won't change it after the marriage. She has her own opinions and won't hesitate to agree to disagree. She likes dancing, hiking, camping, long drives and adventure. She can have her own hobbies and i will willingly participate with her if she wants me to.

About me:
Live in the present and believe that life is to be lived to the full.

Reliable and honest - sometimes at my own cost. Simple and non-materialistic. An atheist, but respect other's belief. However, sometimes, for no reason, do question the belief system of people who are close to me and irritate them. Though never had any of my own, love kids and dogs. Slow to warm up to new people, but it depends on whom I am with.

The other part of my life is outdoor and adventure. Love hiking, camping and horse riding. Have done bungee jumping, rock climbing, river rafting, kayaking, snowboarding and mountaineering in the Himalayas. Have a license to jump out of the planes (skydiving). Would love to climb Chomolungma one day (but don’t think that will happen, coz it’s absurdly expensive) or at least try to make it to the base camp. Member of some of the NGOs that work towards nature and children.

Love dancing and can dance like no one’s watching. Sometimes sketch and experiment with cooking all the time. Friends who eat regularly are still alive. Movie buff for action, adventure, suspense, thrillers and romantic. Like reading, and favorite authors are Hermann Hesse, Albert Camus and Fyodor Dostoevsky.

Academically, have an M. Phil in clinical psychology and PhD in neuropsychology and currently pursuing Postdoctoral research in electrophysiology.

All the best in your search

Google Scholar or Spy ?

How would you feel, if I say there is a pair of eye always watching your back?

"SCARY " - isn't it ?

Specially if don't know their identity..or may be you know and you hate them staring at your back. The eyes, that you hate for lurking from behind...

The other day I got an email from google blogger... 'ENJOY blogging' and sharing ...giving me the people who have blog rolled me or tagged me... !!! I came across some old and new names... it was kinda scary...if I did not know them.. i guess I would not have really bothered. But the scary part is I knew and know some of them. And the realization that somebody is watching you silently sent a cold wave through my spine, specially when they do not have the balls to communicate directly !! BASTARDS !!!

Anyway ... I do not like the idea of people lurking from behind. face it. Come up front. I have been little bothered ever since I received that email. Not sure if 'Google' is the real scholar or spy!!

And to add to my worries I shared this link with someone whom I met ... and I liked after spending such long years..on the matrimony sites... Well I do not regret sharing the link ... but I do feel uncomfortable when someone knows more about me than I know about them... I have problems when people are not honest about what they feel and think, and are not straight forward in their opinion or thoughts. CREEPS!!!

Not that I am the most wanted personality and people are dying to find out about me and my blog... but the intensive animosity or harshness experienced through this blog world in the past made me realize so many things.. about life in general that I thought thats its better to maintain my space... I anyway write just for myself. For breathing so why to let others have access to it. I guess I am drawing boundaries that I never had... :) i guess its time that I realize that ... I enjoy writing and talking to myself.. my space :)

Someday I know all these words will make sense, but for now they need to be stored in my pandora box. I mean I write for myself. Its my space. My trusted opinion. The Me. And no one but me, has to or needs to know about me.

So this is Me and Only ME :) ..............., the lesser known part of 'Me' - peace :)

He is the Best...

east or west..'he is the best' :)

Yupp, I think I have started to accept some reliability on Nagesh Kuknoor, a bollywood director. Most of his films are off track and do not qualify as main stream bollywood masala. Yet there is so much spice in each of his piece. Be it - Teen Dewaar, Iqbal, Dor, or Rockford.

This post is inspired by his latest release 'Bombay to Bangkok' ... A funny movie for sure. Most interestingly I like his style of presenting simple things with slight garnishing of fantasy. Just the perfect blend of reality and fantasy. Loved it.

Unlike most show bizz directors from bollywood, Kuknoor, has carved a well defined and trusted niche for himself...I think one of my blind choice of a good time any day...

"Happy" or "No Happy" :)

Pondering Thoughts

It was a while that they were talking, laughing, joking, arguing, fighting, kidding, smiling... for hours, days, weeks, months... None knew what it would be to meet...neither did they intended to..

But the association evolved to friendship and comfortness, beyond expectation and beyond words..leaving both surprised and amazed.. at the magic...

They chose to remain afloat till the time to anchorage came, when one had to decide whether to take an exit at the Port of Entry or Not? To meet or Not? To let go or Take it in a stride?

They were fighters from past. Royal Kings and Queens of war. Nothing feared or scared them. They had to meet to refine or define the comfortness of silence, laughter, existence, affection, love, aloofness, togetherness.

And so they MET............................
.
.
.
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So did peace and silence
So did cold and silence (14/08)

The future

had to archive this..more I read about Ratan Tata and the alike, I wonder where would we be, if we had few more like him (them)?

dream - pre"NANO"