PhD Vows

Am not dancing till i finish now

Am not blogging in public till I finish
Am not falling till I finish
Am not missing anyone till I finish
Am not chatting till I finish
Am not clicking till I finish
Am not picassing till I finish
Am not emailing him till I finish
Am not meeting anyone till I finish
Am not calling him till I finish
Am not bakwaasing till I finish
Am not remembering anyone till I finish
Am not going online till I finish
Am not visiting any blogs till I finish
Am not buying anymore frogs till I finish
Am not reading any blog till I finish
Am not eating out till I finish
Am not going shopping (luxury) till I finish
Am not eating mango ice cream till I finish
Am not seeing him till I finish
Am not caring for anyone till I finish
Am not ..
Am not......
Am not..............
Am not........................
Am going into hibernation... till I finish...12345

I am/will defend in *KJHWIUIUKUI* ( my secret month, that I have set)

In Transition

Having a tough time in addressing and balancing a step toward certainty and uncertainty

a foot towards the destined PhD end is also a step towards uncertainty, unknown! A step towards not knowing what next, not knowing where will the salary come from next, what would I do next !!

a foot towards saying a Hi and Bye together.......

a foot in my haunted land of 'I miss you' & 'I don't miss you'....

a foot towards searching job and finishing up as well...

a foot towards disappointed job interviews and persistent application and search...

Phew....help me toughen up...and remain in focus... few more months... and all this uncertainty will be over..

Came back from Mical defense, am shit scared imagining myself in her shoes in few months. I have to get it done with next couple of months. I have to just forget the uncertainity post PhD and just finish it. If I get a job, great IF Not am sure there is something for me in thought by the universe. I will not have the luxory that I have today with my parents around. Nothing like having your family and your loved one's around when your finishing your PhD. A security, a sureity of having someone to fall back on when I go back home is Blissfull. I am luck and fortunate to have them here.. A certainity of no matter what they are with me..

Give me the strength and courage to sail through this last phase... that's all I want for in this diwali..because next diwali...I will have absolute answers to everything. Everybody finds it someday. So would I. This IS the year of uncertainities for me.. Be with me....I need you..

Thanks
The Scared Tanu

THIS is MINE

Clicked by "Kshitiz Anand", a brilliant Photographer...introduced by another brilliant photographer "Om" aka 'Prashant Bhardwaj' here are the links to their snap shots

"Kshitiz Anand" and 'Prashant Bhardwaj'

This morning I saw this shot on Kshitiz (Happy) Anand (Horizon's) blog. And I ABSOLUTELY LOVED it..and asked for it. I don't know if he is going to give it to me or not.. but I have it here. I want a printed and framed version of this shot.

A Hug is all that is needed to know a person...beware when I hug, because if I have hugged you means I know you in and out... :)

In Anjuli's Word

** She keeps changing and deleting her old post so thought I would just have it archived here in my memory box. Cannot disagree to a single word. I think I am so addicted to the feeling of being in 'LOVE' that I do not even care or wait or even open my eyes to see if its reciprocated or not.....मेरे को जो करना, कहना, सुनना होता है वोह मैं कहके निकल जाती हूँ :) :) ******

Not because am scared of being rejected, but more so because I just love the blissful feeling of being in love and I like live 200% of that feeling. Be a sponge and completely absorb it. It's bliss. And also because I do not take life, myself or the other one for granted. Who knows, if I will feel the same way tomorrow or not! Who knows if it will be the same feeling or not, or when I will feel it next, and offcourse you have a lot of surprises that life throws at you :) . ..Irrespective of which category it falls in (One sided, two-sided, multi-sided, short term, long term) the feeling of being in love is 'Blissful'. May every soul experience and live in it.

NOW IN Anjuli's WORDS

"my mind was itching to write for a long time and today I finally got time to write so I am writing on my favorite topic....mujhe Aamir Khan ka dialogue (from the movie Dil Chahta Hai) yaad aa gaya...."mujhe yakeen hai ki mera janam isliye hua hai ki main tumhe pyaar kar sakoon" I also feel the same, I guess I am born to love and now that I have found the love of my life I have all the more reasons to write about it.... so here I go....

Love....so many people and those many definitions of love, I wonder who infact attempted defining it...there is no need for that because when it happens to you, you just get to know what it is...

I am not attempting to define love here, I am just trying to tell all those people who want to fall in love, are in love or will ever fall in love to know what I have learnt about it so far in my life...

1. First and foremost...don't jump into conclusions whether its love or no...if it is it will stay and if its not it won't, so don't jump...just wait patiently for the air to get cleared...

2. Like it take two to tango, it takes two to love, its always both sided, mind u, I am not undermining the intensity of one sided love, but sooner or later it fades off because believe me it takes two to love, and if its love, the way u feel for ur love, the same way ur love also will feel for u, no one will have to take any extra efforts to prove his/her love, the other person will understand.

3. True love always comes back...i know its cliched but its 'the truth' about love, around a year back when S had told me this, I had told him that no if it is not coming back, there would be compelling reasons for it and I will make my love come back...but today I know how wrong I was....True love comes back...no matter what, there are no compelling reasons for it not to come back, if its love, it comes back and if does not it never was ...

4. True love is selfless...if you are thinking about u first and then ur love, you probably are either not in love or may be u need more time...

5. Love is different from relationship, don't mix the two up, even if u are in love, give time for the relationship to build up, don't take relationship for granted, it needs a lot of efforts and calls for a lot of time and labour to bulid up, but once its built no other fruits are sweeter than the fruits of this hardwork...

6. Trust your lover, if there is no trust, there is no love...don't worry it does not come at once, it takes time, don't undermine ur love just because the level of trust is lower than the level of love, just give urself some time, it will come...but believe me its the most important thing, if its not coming easily, work on it...

7. Tell your love that you love him/her, as often as u can,it helps buliding the bond.

8. If you want to get priority from your lover, give him too the utmost priority, don't worry, it happens on its own once u are in love, so no need to put extra efforts there :)

9. Be honest, transparent and trustworthy, it will echo back to u :)

10. Believe in love, its the most beautiful feeling in the world, just to quote a line from the movie "Pyaar to hona hi tha": Har insaan ko zindagi mein ek baar pyaar zaroor karna chahiye, pyaar insaan ko bahot achha bana deta hai" belive me its true!...


Abhi ke liye itna hi....more laterzzzzzzzz......

Take care guys!

*****
I think I will start a new section here for the posts of others that I really like and would like to remember. That way I have them even if they delete, change or remove their blogs and posts.

Rubaroo

Watched the movie 'RuBaRu' last weekend...
nutshell : nice but not new concept...presented earlier in Hollywood 'If Only'

CAUTIONARY WARNING : DO NOT READ THIS POST BEYOND THIS IF YOU HAVE 'NT WATCHED THE MOVIE YET!! I AM NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR ANY MOVIE SPOILER!

I was searching for the meaning of the word 'Ru Ba Ru' which meant soul facing soul or face to face), a film about love, relationship, chances, co-incidences, certainties, surprises and destiny. I loved it. It was very natural. I was not sure if I was watching a movie or watching life. It did not have too much of its bollywood's crap and was set well in the present Indian or western scenario of how and what life is !

It's about taking life for granted and not realizing that you might never get a 2nd chance or may be today is your last chance or day !

I had to write these thoughts out for the 'last day' feeling that I experienced on 19th May 2001 at Siliguri, WB. I was doing the last leg of my field work surveying for hog deer in the north and north east...

I had broken up with my boy friend the previous year. Work has always been a rescue for me during the worst phases of my life. And this was one too and also the beginning I guess :).. Anyways so I was traveling and wandering along the foothills of himalaya's answering some ecologically endangered questions without even realizing the need to conserve myself.

I was so busy with work that I did not have the time to attend to my sub-conscious self. I thought I was doing fine. I was completing one full year of intense traveling surveying and working in the most challenging areas of India all by myself. It was the onset of my journey of self learning and self analysis.

'Love' for friends, family and cared one has always been my priority. I hate to hurt people who care for me, and I love to convey my thoughts to people whom I care. So, I love being loved and love to reciprocate it as well. Rarely can I bind it within set rules and regulation. And it holds true even today. Its either an Yes or a No, there are no grey shades in between.

Within that one year I ran into love again, or that's what I thought then. Today when I look at it, it was just the sudden emptyness post the three years of togetherness, insecurity of never finding a togetherness again or that care.

So, it was 2001 and I was in the middle of running into pseudo-love, traveling back and forth, intense work, a rebounce of first break up, pursuing and planning on ambitious career without giving a heed to anything else or anyone else! All I knew was I had a ecological question lurking in my mind and I wanted to find the answer to it or way to answer it. It was the formative years of my Phd question. Anyway so right when I was in the middle of the roller coaster of my life I had severe asthma attack in field. And I knew it was coming, as I have been couging bad, I had fever, I had weazing, and I was continuously seeing my parents every night. I ignored my dream or thoughts and just continued with the planned work. In field when you are working by yourself there is hardly any flexibility with adjusting your routine or daily schedule, as data collection has to go on or you drop it !

So the morning of 19th I woke up tired and I headed for Mahanda WLS. I was on the Sevok road when I cud not breath anymore. I have never felt so breathless ever after that. I was gasping for breath and I could see my driver becoming nervous. I just asked him to turn back towards Siliguri. Wrote the number of my dad's friend on a piece of paper and asked him to give a call to him immedaitely and ask for a hospital nearby. Those were the days of PCO and STD booths if one has to call while traveling. And since we were within the sanctuary it was a drive for quite sometime till he could make a call. Am glad I was in Bengal and I am glad I had my dad's friend's number. I do not remember and I do not recollect the drive to the hospital.

But I do remember, that I was in a strature outside a nursing home, I had a mask on my nose, and I was surrounded by strangers and I was gasping for breath, I was crying, and I wanted to see my parents ONCE as I did not know what would happen the next second. Not even a single face that day was known to me. They were all strangers. I just wanted to see my parents once and tell them how much I loved them, how much I wanted to do something for them, but I could not. I was face to face with myself and my last day at that very moment. There was another face I saw or remembered and I wanted to tell how much I cared and loved him. But I could not and did not know if I will either. I came face to face with people most important to me... to myself, to my soul and what I wanted then.. and the truth that I did not realize until then. I literally spoke to god (the first time ever, I felt I really communicated with a supreme being), and told him to give me ONE chance to bring me back, to not leave my parents heart broken and give me ONE CHANCE to make my parents happy, to tell them sorry for my arrogance, to tell them (parents and the face) that I love them and they are my only world..I had never felt so helpless before in my life !!!

.... ...............I was lucky. My wish was granted. It was 21st May and I was granted a 2nd chance. I don't know if I was unconcious or I was asleep or I was on sedatives. I was out of the ICU and I saw my dad and mom. My ego, my identity, my I, everything disappeared that day. My world was there, and I had everything. or in my terms 'mai khataam' ho gai thi us din! I knew what I wanted and I knew what I had to do next. It was a feeling of knowing everything, ' A Complete'!

The feeling of wanting tell your loved once that you love and care for them and having the feeling of not getting a chance to do so, has been my worst scariest experience!! I do not want to experience it ever again. NEVER!!!

The movie 'Ru Ba Ru' just took me back to the realization that Only when you see death or the end face to face you come face to face with the deepest truth that hides within you. Even today, whenever I am confused and am unsure of what I want, I travel back to 19th May 2001, and ask myself, If today was the only day I had, if there was no tomorrow what is it that I would ask for today?

I have always got honest answers, re-aligning me to the present and helping me decide what to do next ! This was one major turning point of my life. I changed.

The movie is all about, NOT TAKING LIFE OR ANYBODY FOR GRANTED, as you never know what happens next!! Hence I have no complains and regrets. To me each day is my last day, I love every bit of it. And I love every bit of the people I have chosen to share it with. Rest I do not really care!

Garaunted Teath Out..

Ravan ki 20 aankehin thi magar nazar sirf ek aurat pe;
jab ki apki 2 ankhein aur nazar har aurat pe!!
To asli Ravan kaun??

~~~~~~~~~

Ravan was sent to court and was asked to keep a hand on Geeta
He refused saying : Sita par hath rakh kar itni musibat aayii ! Ab Geeta pe haath nahi rakhunga

~~~~~~~~~

An Old rich man marries a young gal
Interviewer asks the girl :Apne inmein Shaadi ke liye kya dekha ?
Girl : Ek to inki income aur doosre inke din kum..

~~~~~~~~~

Prinicipal : Agar koi ladka girls hostel mein gaya toh first time fine Rs 100/-, 2nd time Rs 200/- and 3rd time Rs 500/-

Munna bhai : Boley to monthly pass ka kya lega mamu?

Sweet Dream

Had a sweet dream for real after a long time...
Reason - I think am stressed so it came to make me smile in sleep and after sleep too :) the feeling of the dream is making me smile even now :)

Pre-dream situation: Woke up at 830am, came to school at 10 and started working...could not locate my passport yesterday so after 2 hrs of work went home to look for it again... FOUND it :) relaxed.... came to school ...figured out that I would need instate tuition waiver for the spring semester..!! kinda worried what to after funding ends in dec !!

Worked till 5 from 130, was feeling very sleepy..had tea twice... still sleepy.. so went home.. and slept from 5 to 6pm, that's when came the sweet dream :)

Summary of the dream

"some guy was talking to me or may be visiting me whom I don't really know. He was talking to me with lot of conviction, confidence and right..as if he knows me or I am supposed to know him..I was continuously asking him if he is X, Y, Z or J...It was funny as I was remembering all my friends and asking him, oh are you this, he would just nod his head and keep talking and smiling ... we were just talking about random stuff, and I was only focused on asking why is he here, how did he know me or what does he want from me, and who gave him the address of my place..many such stupid questions followed with me or us having tea too :) ..

offcourse he was none of the friends or people I knew or have known till now..he did not resemble anybody I have known till now not even Shekhar Ravijani :) and I do not remember the face either. Interestingly after every suggestion I would myself rule out the possibility as they did not resemble the person I was talking to..after lot of persistence and patience all this dream guy tells, you remember you emailed a person two weeks back who was asking about your field work in Assam I am the far fetched cousin..friend..some faar faar related person to that....person who emailed you !!!!

I started laughing in the dream and told, come on that's the stupidest connection I have heard or farthest cursh or fan following till date.. but it feels great :) In the dream he tells am not just a fan, am more than a fan... :) at this point I burst out into laughter and asked 'kyon ceiling fan ho kya, jisko pakaad ke lataak jaun ya galee mein phanda dallooon"

At this comment we both burst out into laughter and I could not believe that I was bakwaasing in my dream too!!! I woke up laughing :), staring at the ceiling and hearing the tick-tock of the watch ....with the arms vertical on the dial :) ....looking at my big smile, my mom asked what happened :) .....I was like....I want to fall asleep agaon :) no wonder it was a dream !!

Moral of the dream - the dream was sweet because in the dream I saw the passion and persistence in the person in trying and wanting to find me and reach me :) During the last days' of PhD people get nightmares and am getting sweet dreams!!

Is something terribly wrong with me or Am I not doing a Phd ?
Kuch to hai :) Either of these has to be true !! And I hope its not the last option !!

The bakwAAS attitude :)

THE DONKEY
One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do. Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway; it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.


He invited all his neighbours to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement he quieted down.

A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well. He was astonished at what he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up.


As the farmer's neighbours continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon,
everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and happily trotted off!

MORAL :
Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a steppingstone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.





Remember the five simple rules to be happy:

1. Free your heart from hatred - Forgive.
2. Free your mind from worries - Most never happen.
3. Live simply and appreciate what you have.
4. Give more.
5. Expect less



You have two choices...smile and close this page, or pass this along to someone else to spread the fun. I know what I did!!

Surprise Surpriser Surprisest !!!

THIS TRIP, THIS WEEKEND ................ was all about surprises !!!

Chicago trip was awesome... will write about it as I catch up with time... and work..

I think along with my parents I am also suffering from Jet Lag !!

On a short note, Chicago is a city of

A - Architecture
B - Babes, Biryani !
C - Cars, so many Mustang, Signature, Corvette, Jaguar!! I was drooling over them like crazy !!
D - Deep Dish Pizza, Desi, Devon Avenue!
E - Excalibur (cud not go !!)
F - Fire fighters!! everyday saw 2 -3 fire brigades running in the downtown !
.....
............

fast highlight -

1. did swing dancing on the road :)
2. Lots of first times again ...
3. LOTS AND LOTS AND LOTS of shots :)

k, more later...

Why Do Arranged Marriages Work?

I am a hard core believer of a significant correlation between love and marriage. Any deviation from the above path by default or by choice leads to unhappy, unprecedented circumstances or instance which leads to separating the word 'love' from marriage!

Now that's an observed trend and extensively marketed concept in most society, novels, stories and films. I do not want to argue whether the above statement is correct or false but would like to think or rather note down, why I am coming to realize 'Why Arranged Marriages Work' ? So here are my takes (note - my interpretation is entirely biased towards the eastern/Indian society) : -

1. In an arranged marriage usually both the families are excited about the binding of two families instead of the usual observed trend of unwilling ties or compromises made at the family level when the mates choose themselves.

2. The excitement creates lot of positive and optimistic energy at the family level which flows down to smaller subsections and eventually accumulates with the mates who are getting married.

3. In most cases, in an arranged marriage, both the players are interested in getting married, are willing to move ahead in life, are wanting to start a new chapter. This brings them on the same platform as well. Solving any equation of life is easier if both the variables are integers, fraction or real numbers ! The willingness to get bonded by both the variables is an essential criteria here and the main reason behind why marriages work, be it self arranged or socially arranged :) . In late or arranged marriages it is observed more frequently than otherwise.

The Break...

The long waited break is here fine.. I was looking forward to it.. too many things are happening or criss-crossing at this point in my life, like always :)

Ok, so tomorrow am off to Chicago for a 'surprise treat to parents'. I have this thing of surprising people, or more specifically close friends and family. My surprise treats head back to school days, or boarding days when I would show up at home in the middle of night or unexpected!

My Mom, would obviously be shocked, with a loud squeak or scream if she happened to open the door. And if it was dad, then after he absorbs the shock we would pair up to shock mom, :) ..

Thankfully I have been able to keep up with this trait, even while I was here in the US. I showed up at home, (India, Kolkata) on Saptami morning of 2006! It was such a big hit ! I was totally thrilled. Everything worked perfect!

Among friends, I have only surprised Shyam and Madan till date by visiting them other than usual B'day surprises to others..

Even this year when I was visiting India for my fieldwork, Dad, requested not surprise them as that changes there whole plan and program :) Somehow I was considertate!

So going with my self created legend, I have to keep up with myself...and surprise parents while they are here !

And hence my Chicago trip :) . With their Passport being stuck at the canadian embassy I was almost becoming a surprize to myself !! Thankfully it all worked fine and now they are ready to leave. They are expected to arrive at Chicago on Tuesday 5 am :) ..

I am yet to decide if I should just pat my mom from behing in the aircraft, or meet them at domestic terminal or at the exit of the International Arrival ! Not sure! Will do the final planning impromptu!

When I told this to my brother, he as usual gave his practical advice, use your money and time effeciently, :) It's true but all time and money is worth spending for a glipmse of that surprised, happy, unexpected, peaceful, smile on the faces of your loved ones..

So, as I was planning on this surprise came along a small surprise for me too :) . Meeting another online person. This year has been a year of 'Online Surprises' :)

And I think am becoming more and more confident with meeting strangers, having a good time, living for the moment, and above all enjoying life :)

Wish, there was some Offline surprises in store too :)