When I started on this path 5 years back, I knew day in and day out that I loved it the most...I knew there is nothing else I wanted to do or find then answering 'How has the landscape change in North Bengal and Assam affected the Terai Grasslands'. It was like a conviction deep inside me that I wanted to find answers for, for myself! And my love for it was challenged by lot of social issues, personal choices and professional challenges!!
Today am almost at the end of this journey, and Honestly speaking sometimes I feel I am burned out! I am tired. I feel I have fallen out of love with it, I have just stopped feeling the thrill the adrenaline rush that I used to feel every time I read this question! I don't know if this is the normal path or trend for all PhD's but I feel am loosing it! When I know am almost there! I know I have to hold on to it, as this is it! This is all I wanted to know! This is all that I cared at some point in my life!
Loneliness, life usual ups and downs, studying and being all by yourself in a foreign country, begging for permissions to work in your own country, to answer something that benefits none but them, to let down your ego and accept that the officer in charge knows it all, raising funds to be able to go back and do the work, sailing against the flow, accepting that you are nothing but just a tiny filthy researcher or scientist who loves to stay in a forest all by herself for months forgetting everyone because it was her choice, facing unwelcoming situations, messed up personal life..has eaten out a lot of my passion, painted the rosy picture dark, and consumed the love that I started with! It's hard to explain and understand sometimes why people fall out of love. But the same I guess is happening to me and am trying hard to remember every cost I have paid and remind myself of people who still have faith in me, who are looking forward for me to come back some day..who believe in me..
God give me strength, and faith so that I walk and complete this last leg of the journey. Be with me. I am not lonely if you are around, I know I will make it to the end, if you are with me, like you have been always, and thanks for all the people who are helping me scavenge and restore my motivation in this five year long affair!
The most committed relationship of my life ! THE ONLY, I guess..someone told correctly 'True love blossom only when challenged' THIS IS an absolute truth for me, for the Questions I had/have to answer!!
0. What are we benefiting if you want to study or how does it help me if you get a PhD, why should we agree to you going abroad, US, or you go for your PhD abroad?
1. Di, where will you give us a treat when you finish your Phd and start working?
2. Sweetu now we will only after you finish your Phd.
3. Mipi di...you don't give up...am waiting for the treat you said you will take me once you have a job..
4. Moina, Janu, Di - When are you coming to India next?
5. Moinadi, before you start your job I want to go on a road trip with you to NE. Sure.
6. A one month holiday trip to NE and Rajasthan on my next trip to India. We will plan it.
7. Dida, passport will be done this Dec. I will make sure its done, then you will be able to take her along with you next year. I so much want to bring 'Nani' next year to the US when I graduate.
8. Visiting WII and meeting all those people who thought I was not capable of doing any scientific thinking !
9. Meet the faculty eye to eye who told, "I can ruin your career if I want to" !! FUCK!
10. Meet the person who told, just register here and finish your PhD asap! What's there in a Question!
11. Stand infront of all the rejections I have had in general in my life and look back at them with a pride!
12. Eurotrip :) , backpack in the Andes, Maya Civilization, and see the Chimps!
13. Go to India on a complete holiday..NO WORK..only shooting, sleeping and eating..
14. Di, wapaas ajao! We will have fun when u have a job here, and we all have settled..
15. Moinadi, do you think you can work on this script ?? :) :) (HIDDEN HIDDEN bucket list desire)
16. See my parents finally relaxed...
17. Find 'jhimli' the only lamp and light that I has given me the faith to move on..
MOVE ON..............
And look what Rick has to tell me today...this guy really makes sense at times :), thanks Rick!!
"The weight of the future could bear down on you now as you try to figure out where your current path is leading. But it's hard to see around the next corner and the more you try, the greater your frustration. Instead of looking too far forward, it makes more sense to focus your attention on what's happening in the present moment." [ he he he ...so true!!]
Today am almost at the end of this journey, and Honestly speaking sometimes I feel I am burned out! I am tired. I feel I have fallen out of love with it, I have just stopped feeling the thrill the adrenaline rush that I used to feel every time I read this question! I don't know if this is the normal path or trend for all PhD's but I feel am loosing it! When I know am almost there! I know I have to hold on to it, as this is it! This is all I wanted to know! This is all that I cared at some point in my life!
Loneliness, life usual ups and downs, studying and being all by yourself in a foreign country, begging for permissions to work in your own country, to answer something that benefits none but them, to let down your ego and accept that the officer in charge knows it all, raising funds to be able to go back and do the work, sailing against the flow, accepting that you are nothing but just a tiny filthy researcher or scientist who loves to stay in a forest all by herself for months forgetting everyone because it was her choice, facing unwelcoming situations, messed up personal life..has eaten out a lot of my passion, painted the rosy picture dark, and consumed the love that I started with! It's hard to explain and understand sometimes why people fall out of love. But the same I guess is happening to me and am trying hard to remember every cost I have paid and remind myself of people who still have faith in me, who are looking forward for me to come back some day..who believe in me..
God give me strength, and faith so that I walk and complete this last leg of the journey. Be with me. I am not lonely if you are around, I know I will make it to the end, if you are with me, like you have been always, and thanks for all the people who are helping me scavenge and restore my motivation in this five year long affair!
The most committed relationship of my life ! THE ONLY, I guess..someone told correctly 'True love blossom only when challenged' THIS IS an absolute truth for me, for the Questions I had/have to answer!!
0. What are we benefiting if you want to study or how does it help me if you get a PhD, why should we agree to you going abroad, US, or you go for your PhD abroad?
1. Di, where will you give us a treat when you finish your Phd and start working?
2. Sweetu now we will only after you finish your Phd.
3. Mipi di...you don't give up...am waiting for the treat you said you will take me once you have a job..
4. Moina, Janu, Di - When are you coming to India next?
5. Moinadi, before you start your job I want to go on a road trip with you to NE. Sure.
6. A one month holiday trip to NE and Rajasthan on my next trip to India. We will plan it.
7. Dida, passport will be done this Dec. I will make sure its done, then you will be able to take her along with you next year. I so much want to bring 'Nani' next year to the US when I graduate.
8. Visiting WII and meeting all those people who thought I was not capable of doing any scientific thinking !
9. Meet the faculty eye to eye who told, "I can ruin your career if I want to" !! FUCK!
10. Meet the person who told, just register here and finish your PhD asap! What's there in a Question!
11. Stand infront of all the rejections I have had in general in my life and look back at them with a pride!
12. Eurotrip :) , backpack in the Andes, Maya Civilization, and see the Chimps!
13. Go to India on a complete holiday..NO WORK..only shooting, sleeping and eating..
14. Di, wapaas ajao! We will have fun when u have a job here, and we all have settled..
15. Moinadi, do you think you can work on this script ?? :) :) (HIDDEN HIDDEN bucket list desire)
16. See my parents finally relaxed...
17. Find 'jhimli' the only lamp and light that I has given me the faith to move on..
MOVE ON..............
And look what Rick has to tell me today...this guy really makes sense at times :), thanks Rick!!
"The weight of the future could bear down on you now as you try to figure out where your current path is leading. But it's hard to see around the next corner and the more you try, the greater your frustration. Instead of looking too far forward, it makes more sense to focus your attention on what's happening in the present moment." [ he he he ...so true!!]
By Rick Levine
Saturday, September 27, 2008
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5 comments:
Dekho, this is something I have never had to battle.
Because the sad truth of my life is that I have never been passionate about anything :( Sab kuch is hota hai, chalta hai for me. Some times it sucks, especially in those times when I try to think about life and what I want out of it. You have it all figured out; me... I just see whats coming and then decide whether I like it or not. And even that is hard to figure out at times :( Completely directionless...
Mere ko bhi mangta aisa passion, aisa love, aisa direction!
grass is always green on the other side...!!!
mere ko lagta hai if I was not like this I guess I would have been more compromising..to life, which am not. Mere ko pura ka pura chahiye!!
Direction hai to problem hai,
Direction less hai to bhi problem hai!!
I guess we have to find a middle lane :) somewhere..in between these two extremes..
Sigh...I compromise too much (and then regret!) and you compromise not at all (and then regret??)
chal issi baat pe ek aur PhD kar le :) "What is the optimal level of compromise"?
and do tell me more about "Jhimli"
what/who is it?
mmmm...ONE thing about me is I don't regret...I compromise only if I feel happy deep inside...else I have 'BMJ' to everything..., :) :)
'jhimli' is the name of a goal :)
'optimum' level in life to me is anything that makes my heart smile :)
ek, aur PhD ki iccha to thi..BUT for now, its out :)
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