You Brighten My Day

No time to blog so sharing this poem, with whoever drops by....

There are moments in life when you miss someone
so much that you just want to pick them from
your dreams and hug them for a while,
But their presence just in dreams makes you more sad!
Then you remember
Not to look at the door's that closed on you,
Because the new door of happiness is just waiting for you.
Reminding you of the one who makes you smile,
because it takes only a smile to,
make a dark day seem bright.

And you keep dreaming of the one,
who makes your heart smile,
Because its your heart that keeps you alive.
Dream of the place you want to go,
Be like the one you want to be,
Breathe every air, touch every flower, hear every song,
Do everything that you ever want to,
because you have only one chance
to do all the things, you want to do,
before life stops smiling with you!

Gather enough happiness to always make you smile,
enough sorrow to keep you afloat and not drown,
enough trials to make you strong,
enough hope to make you dream,
making you the happiest of all.
Because you made the most of
everything that came your way.
The brightest future is always, on a forgotten past;
you can't go forward, until you let it go with a blast.

Count the years with the memories you smiled,
Live your life as if you are smiling, for every one around,
Remembering the one who inspires you,
Someone who has touched your life in a way or two,
Someone who means nothing to you,
Yet makes you smile when you really need to;
Someone who makes you see the brighter side,
when things aren't really working for you;
Whom you soon realise means the world to you;
Not just your heart but your whole life too smiles with you,
Someone who silently choose to be with you,
Someone whose friendship you could never give up too!!

tanu (Feb 2006)

Wrong Side of Bed !!

Sometimes you just don't know what's wrong. Anything you do gives you a feeling of '?' You struggle hard to find the answer, but more you try, more you fail to understand..Its a nice and bright day, I can see it, but the 'Dull' feeling within is overwhelming. Was it the stupid alarm clock which went off early, or was it an after effect of the previous day, or is it too much or too less of sleep or is it just a random break which comes to you all of a sudden in midst of a rushing week and you have set deadlines! Or is it just that I woke up on the wrong side......!!!!

EEEeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeekkkkkkkkkkkk....

Whatevert it is....I 'HATE' it when my mood controls me than me controlling it!!

RDB vs Swades

a deep hmmmm....is the what I had!!

I think it has almost become a routine for me. Every week, whenever I get time...even for few minutes I watch 'Swades', specially the scene where Shahrukh and Gayatri are arguing about how good and bad is India, !! and "Where a prospective Groom, comes to see 'Gayatri'. "..the later was too close to reality atleast in my life!

I just love the above mentioned parts. But interestingly as I saw this movie today I unconsiously compared it with RDB, lot of things did become more apparent. Both seemed unrealistic and impossible (not to me but too most. I believe anything and everything is possible!). After all who would give up job with NASA and come and work for ISRO! Who would finish a degree and stay in a village to teach children.!! Too unrealistic but positive. But then there are some stray examples where people have done something or other in their own way. Similarly there are many unrealistic things in RDB but mostly negative traits- like a job less character DJ, the AIR telecast, why was the muslim guy always painting in the wall, example of bunch of frustated youngsters without any goal in life. Except for Madhavan who had some credentials others were all confused and frustated with life.

Although both the movies were unrealistic they ended on different notes - depressing and optimistic. And I think it is the end which has created the hype. Thats why it is said depending on which hormone (adrenaline or non-adreanline) is released in your blood you will have different experience. Swades has a happy and positive ending, which makes it a more acceptable and soothing movie , unlike RDB. It IS the ending which has made everybody talk about it, remember it, argue about it, or critic it! Here come's the addiction and response of human brain to happiness and saddness. Happiness is a drug which calms people down. But a negative ending makes u feel sad, regret, be guilty and hurts you somewhere. I think in life in general, we easily forget the best moments in our life. And conc. most on what we don't have, complaining, cribbing, crying over it. That seems like the normal human psychology (not for me again!).

I feel it is this 'pain' tonic in RDB which has created the after affect unlike Swades! The sad ending of RDB I feel creates a sense of pain and guilt. Specially for those whose children and family members are included within the '78' pilots that Indian Airforce has lost.

Last year when I watched Swades in India, I clearly remember people coming out of the theater with smiles, some saying 'Bakwaas movie' while others saying 'Good one'. Thats it. Nobody went home and thought about it. 3hrs in the hall you go for entertainment, get entertained, come back and forget about it. The next day starts as any other day. But here lies the diff with RDB. It has made people think. Look into ourselves. Stop complaining. Be responsible. I am not voluntering for the path suggested. It's not important to argue what the movie potrayed was right or wrong. But to conc. on the main message. The movie does give a notion of well things should be and has to be 'CHANGED'. I don't see it as a movie where the end is the only conlusion. I like to conc. on positive aspects of everything - and that led to my last blog. A change in our attitude!

The other most controversial subject in RDB was the comparision with our freedom fighters with college dudes! To me it was just a symbology. After all who were the freedom fighter? Were they god? Did they come from different planet? NO, they were normal, simple human beings, who choose to take responsibility in their own way. They were all educated and came from average, normal families. We are forgetting that they were someone among us, but with a courage, passion, and responsibility to choose to live and fight for their country. And that's where lies the difference among us (this includes everybody not only the present generation) and them. Changing the system today would need the same passion, courage and strenght that they had to kill Gen. Dyer! Do we have that?

Can we make everybody lead and choose a honest life? Can we impose this rule that you cannot cheat anybody? Who makes these rules? And who checks on them? Nobody. And nobody should. These are the basic principles of life, philosiphy that one believes. And I have no idea how one can change that! That's why I felt that RDB creates an awakening of the basic philosophy of life. And then only will movies like 'Swades' become a very common example and won't appear unrealistic or idealistic.

Finally, Ram Prasad Bismil's 'Sarforsh ki taman' gushes non-adrenaline, while 'Yeh jo desh hai tera...bandhan toot nahi sakta...'gushes 'adrenaline' in our blood!

Sarfaroshi ki tamana

I was listening to the songs of 'rang de basanti'.. till the following lines "sarfaroshi ki tamana ab hamare dil main hai, dekhna hai zor kitna bazu-e-qatil main hai.."recited by our martyrs like Ram Prasad Bismil, Ashfaq Ullah Khan and Bhagat Singh on their way to embracing death made me go back to the 'realisation' that how we have ruined their sacrifices!! This is not the first time. I think every Indian has contemplated on this at some point in their life!

I saw this movie last week with skeptical 'Climax' - 'Anti-Climax' mind set!! Did not get time to write (blog) about it. I guess I have nothing to blog. With all the feedbacks on the movie I was expecting certain things, which I guess took away the sudden 'shockers' that many people got!

I felt that Omprakash Mehra (dir) is conveying a message to the new generation, to the youth, to us, to awaken the mass. He is possibly conveying a hidden message through every comical act. It was easy to laugh at the person trying to sing a 'POP or RAAP' when asked to say 'Bande Ma Taram' or 'Jai Hind' ! And unfortunately it,was not so far fethched from reality either! Neither was the attitude of youths, my generation, us! That's the reality. Lets face it!

It has been ages that I have said these words, myself. But everytime I have said these words I feel a cold shiver passing through my spine, a lump in my throat. 9 years, these words were the start lines of my day. Thanks to my 'KV background'. I used to feel so proud and charged with energy as I gave these commands to the whole school as the house captain for that week. The whole ground will be resonnating with these words. I can still feel the adrenaline influenced flow in my capillaries. Such powerful words! Phew!!

Science, philosophy, humanities all at some point have suggested that with time we should update our ability to address every problem or question to get successful results. And I feel that the movies produced by 'bollywood' currently are possibly a new way of rasing or awakening the mass, uniting people, bring everybody to that one platform 'WE WANT CHANGE'. A way to awaken many 'Gandhi's, Bhagat Singh's, Netaji's...' because this time the war is not against just ONE enemy (British Government) but towards each and every person who facilitates, practices and contributes to corruption. In other words it could be a war against ourseleves. Against our attitude. Against our belief that 'nothing will change in India'.

I don't know if the release of 'Rang De Basanti' and news about 'Paritrana' was a coincidence! While digging for Paritrana I came across Bharat Uday Mission (BM), and may more such groups. All with an agenda of 'CHANGE' to remove 'CORRUPTION'!

As I heard the following lines again and again, I could feel the pulse, the spirit, the energy, the strength in each and every word, and my conviction that a huge wave of change is on its way!

The final note - Atul agnihotri recitation of 'Sarforishi ki tamana' was outstandhing.

sarfaroshi ki tamana ab hamare dil main hai
dekhna hai zor kitna bazu-e-qatil main hai

karta nahi kyon dusara kuch bat-chit
dekhata hun main jise vo chup teri mahfil main hai

ai shahid-e-mulk-o-millat main tere upar nisar
ab teri himat ka charcha gair ki mahfil main hai

vaqt ane de bata denge tujhe ai asman
ham abhi se kya batayen kya hamare dil main hai

khinch kar lai hain sab ko qatl hone ki ummid
ashiqon ka aj jamghat kucha-e-qatil main hai

sarfaroshi ki tamana ab hamare dil main hai
dekhna hai zor kitna bazu-e-qatil main hai

Be the change you wish see in the world - M.K.Gandhi
Jai hind

Rang De Basanti....''Climax ya Anticlimax" !!

Yup, I am going to watch this movie today!!
Little did I know, when I blogged about it last week that I will be able to 'view and review' the movie so soon. Anyways knowing myself...am quite skeptical about the hype! It can pretty well be an 'Anticlimax' for me...anyway...will wait to comment on it.

But something is proved true again - 'When you desire something the whole universe conspires for it' Alchemist, Paulo Coelho (MY BEST BOOK).

Workometer Fueled..

Yup....somedays you feel like you don' t want to go to sleep till you see the results of your analysis - today is one such day. Got my image analysis running and anixiously waiting for the output!

Excitometer is also 'ON' so no time to Blog...

Anyway more later....

Suffocated capillaries!..

phoooooooooooooooooeeeeeeeewwwwwwwww!!

Finally its over....

Well, just getting back from the department seminar, and surving the 'Blood Rush' in my auricle, ventricle! They are still functional...( i mean their pumping) but will cool down gradually.

So, whats all this 'fret' about?

Well, we have department seminars every wednessday. It's fun when you are sitting among the audiance and not facing the crowd or 'facing the crowd' while giving a talk about your study. However our department came up with this new policy this semester of every speaker being introduced by a graduate student, and keeping up with the pace and successful execution of the seminar. The objective behind this is to train us (future scientists) in organising 'Seminar's or Pannel Discussions' in future.

Well, I guess these introduction lecture and asking the crowd which includes undergrad, grad, satff, faculty to stop yapping and concentrating on the speaker, does a pretty well job in initiating the above objective!!! I had never done this before. And I knew that it would be different from the talks I have given in the past. And obviously I was aware that facing a crowd with ALL THEIR foucs on YOU till the speaker starts talking won't be very casual. I was scared. But I had to experience IT and get done with it, once and for all. So I just got done with introducing and managing this week's seminar.

And guess who was I introducing ? Well, none other than MY ADVISOR!!!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaa....

I decided to introduce him as I really like him, and talking about somebody whom I idealize would be easier than somebody new. Less, did I know, how challenging it is to introduce a BIG fish, by myself being a TINY, MINISCULE creature, to a crowd of BIG FISHES!!

As 4pm approached the only system that worked in my body was my heart. I could hear the pumping of my auricles and ventricles and sending messages to my brain "COOL DOWN" COOL DOWN! IT'S GOING TO BE FINE..

Anyway people started pouring in. I was at the main dias. And I could hear the silent question screaming everybodies mind - Oh, WHO is she? (For those who don't know me!) Is she introducing Doug? Wao, tanu good luck ! (for those who know me)..For prof. whose classes I have taken I could hear " Anhaaan...can she speak in public ?"! So basically it IS NOT AT ALL a exciting feeling to have attention from each and everybody in the room on you, specially in BRIGHT LIGHT! Offcourse the lights are on, as you are introducing...and everybody is listening to what you are saying...or preparing the stage for the show! Talking on a prepared stage is different. I have done that many times. I mean giving talks is more exciting and different. I enjoy giving talk on my study. But today's experience was way different!

I did the MC's for last year's Mr. and Ms. International (reason was same..being on stage and managing a show) BUT that was different! I was facing a dark crowd!! And it was related to cultural activites not academics!!

Today it was entirely different. Specially as the room was getting filled up with a gradual increase of HUMMMING in the room. Everybody were on their seats except me! I was nervous. Very, nervous!. Each and every pair of eye was watching me, had questions about me. I mean you have to bring everybody to silence, make them listen to you...and start the show! After some couple of deep breaths and feeling the pumping in my heart I finally said "OK, THANKYOU EVERYBODY - CAN I HAVE YOUR ATTENTION PLEASE"..after that I don't remember what I said... I had Doug's resume with me, so said something from there...and till I got back to my senses I realised I was at the end of his resume :) and his achievements...

I could see the end of my speach...and letting Doug, take over!
Phewwwwwwwwww....finally it was over.....As I sat through the entire seminar (since it was very relevant to my work) I could feel the vibrations in my head, brain, heart, gradually slowing down...its still slowing down..I decided then and there...will have to blog this!! So I did !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

...couple of more deep breathing will chill me off further...but am GLAD that I DID IT, and its finally over. Pheooooooooooooooooooooooooo !!! :D

after affect 'Rang De Basanti '

Yup thats the movie! I have been hearing a lot of rumors and excitement about this movie. Some of my freinds here felt for 30 mins after the movie that they should go back to India, some think its just a movie...some lost there speech and were silent for next half day !!! Some said its going to create a wave !! Come on, give me a break...!!

Have we really become so serious that we have started taking bollywood movies literally? And I don't understand what's wrong with bollywood? Why have they changed their agenda of making movies with people running around trees or in the streets to such high voltage movies?

It all started with Lagaan, followed by "Swadesh" and "YUVA", last year. And this year 'RDB' !! Has our film industry finally become revolutionized and evolutionized? Have they finally realized how much they can influence the mass ? No, I don't think so....I have known some movies which had direct influence on me and my life, both personally and professionally For e.g., City of Joy, Born Free, Forest Gump etc etc..But can it really create a social change, change in how people think, change in what they think!

May be, May be not! Who knows, time will say! I am just being a skeptic as usual ! After all change is the other name of 'growth' ! And India IS growing exponentially, geometrically and progressively in technology, science, economically...(and offcourse - population!!). May be it is true, when the whole plant starts growing, along with it grows each of its leaves and stems till it becomes a huge tree, and so would the country!

Opps, I forgot to mention about Bhagat Singh...That was another classic of the recent time...No to mention 'Gandhi'...but that was Hollywood! With the intellectual and passionate director's that we have today atleast we have some examples of hitting a balance between 'Box office hits' and 'Profits'! Anyways, so going back to the movie....here is a link to an after affect of Rang De Basanti!

Aaaj Kya Khaauuuuuuuuun ?

(means- What should I eat today?)

Oh man..!! as the day nears its end this question starts screaming in my head!! I can't work, I can't think...(not that I think otherwise ;) ) while trying to find an answer for it!

Cup noodles, bread and eggs, rice noodles, soup and rice, bread and soup....are the permutaions and combinations I can come up with three favourite items of mine : eggs, bread, and noodles!! Obviously, it is self explanatory that I don't know to cook, and more specifically, dont want to cook or like to cook! I hate it! The thought of cooking maximizes my laziness and minimizes my ability to do anything. It gives me tension. I have friends for whom cooking is a relaxation!!

My sincere "bows" to them...I don't know how they do it. According to me they surely are a different and more evolved subspecies of anthropods !

For instance now, instead of cribbing and blogging about cooking I can very well cook..but its so boring! Although I always enjoy food cooked by others.....be it tea, or even toasted bread! Anything cooked by anybody else is a welcome :) I know that this attitude sucks, but thats me! I can provide all my mental, emotional, physical, and technical support to somebody who wants to cook. But, somehow they never work on me.....And at times when I decide to cook after gathering all my conc. and motivation, either I end up blowing off the preassure cooker, or starting the smoke alarm, or burning whatever I was trying to cook! So cooking sucks!

The other problem with me is, that besides being lazy, and knowing to cook, I should know...what I want to eat, right. I lack variability in that too. How do I come up with something exciting or interesting to eat 7 days in a week! I cannot! Eating weekly once cooked food is unhealthy and I get bored...So I decided ok, weekly twice. Unfortunately I could not keep up with it, with my three favourite variables! Not to mention, the instances of experiments with above and some additional ingradients! They are a perfect self-repellant! I never enter the kitchen for atleast a week after my experiments!

I never ever thought that cooking would bring such a threat to my peace of mind! And the worst part is YOU HAVE TO THINK OF IT EVERY DAY!!! aaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrhhh....!!

Having grown up in a boarding (hostel) I never had to bother about food. Mess, Food coupon, all took care of it. All I had to do was pay a bill by the end of the month! So you pay a cost for not having to worry about it. Instead pay somebody else for worrying about it and cooking for you :), and many like you...(the entire hostel, ward, dorm..). At home, my beloved mom and brother was there to take away that worry. They enjoy cooking and both are wonderful cooks. I miss it. My dad would mostly be helping them, and I would be pretending to help. I remember my mom would ask me to do something, which I will do at my own pace. Eventually she will grab it back from me, as she would need the potates or onions cut or peeled within certain time while cooking. I don't know why they worry so much about timing! Whats there in timing...after all everything needs to go into the pan. So why not dump everything together....and cook it all at once...why follow a time series...???

Being slow, during those days was subjective...to what program I am watching on television, and the realization that mom will anyway take it aways if I am slow :P!! So that is the history.

But now in US, no mom, no brother, no mess! Yah, you can eat out or buy food coupons. But its expensive and I cannot afford it. I think I still eat out more frequently than many of my freinds...and thats entirely proportional to my craving for food good..(which is quite often :))...and a must after my experiments. However, I have been lucky in the US too, because my roomates and friends loved to cook. So for past two years I did not have to seriously worry about it. I choose to do the dish washing for them ( I love water so I enjoy it), in exchange of them feeding me. But this treaty eventually had to be broken as they graduated and had to leave.

Currently I have an american roomate who loves to cook and that makes life difficult for me! What has his cooking got to do with my life? Well, because he cooks INDIAN!!! Sometimes I would return home hungry late at night...planning for the flavour of cup noodels I should have for dinner, but as soon as I enter the house I can smell rajhma, chicken curry....basmati....

"....mmmmm.....yuuuuuuuuummmm,.."

Thanks to my roomate, who would have cooked something, leaving the flavour in the air. Usually while living with international roomates here, you have to take care that you do not leave the house smelling. I mean you can really have mean roomates who can complain about onions, or smell of spices in our food...

I too have that, but instead of smell, I have problems with the flavour of his cooking which leaves me hungry even after I have my "planned" dinner!! Sometimes I have been lucky to be right on time, while he is eating. I get to taste....his food. Here in US, you don't generally eat each others food. You have very distincts I's and Mine and NOT mines! So I usually avoid doing it, particularly knowing that it will be weeks till I will be able to offer what I cook. Besides it could be a torture on him!

So in nutshell, cooking sucks but not eating :) ! And I hate the Milllion Dollar Question, that rings my mind every evening...I don't know how the other students (the ones who don't enjoy cooking) manage! But for me its TOUGHER than doing my PhD. Atleast I will get done with it, in next couple of years...unlike the million $$$ question "hmmm....Aaaj Kya Khaun?", haunting my mind forever!

Pleasssssss feel free to let me know if anybody found an escape from above :)

Blissful Presence....

Now that all the storm and fright is over,
I can feel the calmness in the air,
A lull, so silent, And so strong,
Believe that the stormy night is over!
If, it wasn’t for you,
I fear, I could have never,
Sailed back.
If , it wasn’t for you,
I would have failed to adhere,
My life further!
Thanks to your blissful presence,
And the lull,
So silent, And so strong!
Words aren’t enough
To rhyme, with you further,

How can I define the warmth,

Which you shared,
Without even touching me ever!
Such is the strength,
That all you adore feel,
Bliss, is what along it brings,
A peace,without having you to speak.
A lull,
So silent,And so strong!