aaaaa R R !!!!!!

I can't believe am actually LIKING 'R' !!!!!

I never thought I will be able to get a grasp on R,
I was really scared of using it ... since it needed self coding instead of click option in SPLUS.

But I think I am really liking it. I actually chose to do something on R than on S-Plus. Hence had to acknowledge my budding love for him or it :)
First time coding is what needs to be done after that it's just easy and faster than multiple mouse clicks in SPLUS..

I am happy that am able to make progress in R, with my baby steps...

Thanks God, for helping me with the grey cells to figure it out... also thanks to Margi, my personal R+ consultant :)

It's taking lot of time, but atleast am learning.

R and Python are the two softwares I need to learn properly before moving back to India!!!

These WILL be my future strengths and reason for bread and butter.
Help me wade through this learning process.

He or She Makes Me Happy !!

I don't know why it's so hard for someone to understand why I like someone and why I don't !!!

I know the things that make me happy and collect or connect with them :)
What's wrong in doing so?

I had a raging argument with Ma on this topic also!!

I don't blame her. Mother's of single eligible girls, I guess behave and at times become irrational too :)

She thinks am very very choosy.
Yes, I agree. I am.

I cannot compromise on things that make me happy, :)
And at the same time, I can go to any length for things that make me happy, :)

Now what my 'happy basket' contains, is something that people have to figure out on their own. I am not going to make a llst of things in my basket :)

Phir to apunn ki koi value hi nahi rahegi :)
Thoda Mehenat Shehanaat Karo :)

I can only garauntee, 'Happiness and Madness' :)
If we have something common in our baskets, :)

ahhh, I feel nice now.
I WAS ALMOST ABOUT TO BREAK MY RESOLUTION OF NOT LOOSING MY TEMPER IN 2009.

THANKFULLY I DIDN'T

PEACE PREVAILED, as I conveyed my point to mom :)

Beginning of a new Innings !!

Yah, can't WAIT to start IT ......

Currently playing the last over of the last test match from the current innings.

1st ball................

Distraction from Depression !!!

I think I need redefine the full form of PhD from "Permanent Head Damage" to
"Persistent Heartache's from Depression"!!

I don't know about other... but sometimes, I really feel depressed and sad trying to work through this last phase of analysis, re-analysis, writing and re-writing.

I hate this phase of going round in circles and not moving forward, or may be moving forward in circles !!

Yes, that's how bad it can be!!

I want to move on and start working on new things, new ideas.

I would like to know if there is any PhD that goes without susceptible attacks of depression and questions on 'Why the hell did I get into a PhD?'

I never could have imagined to fall out of love with my PhD. But I AM.

When your analysis don't give you results as expected, and you are stuck at a phase with no help from anywhere, I guess its natural to feel this way. I am thankful to my Major prof for writing or getting back in time and wade out of these phases. And am equally disappointed by the people who choose not to support or advice me because of my lack of ability to speak or write in English. Though my disappointment has nothing to do with how one scores in life but I hope NEVER to be nasty and discouraging to people who do not come from a similar background. Or, who have less ability to comprehend and grasp things on the first instant. I will make sure that every person during my teaching or academic career that I make my point across to them and be patient and humble to work with them. My frustration and disappointment with my PhD is slightly led be one such soul. But who says, that I cannot over come it.

I will, I have and I will continue doing so.

And if everybody appreciated others concern and issues then I guess this world would have been a perfect place to live. But that's not the case.

I just hope and wish to remain down to earth, focused and willing to fight and not give in to depression or disappointment from such incidents.

Thanks life, Thanks universe and Thanks God.

I just visit my long term goals, also archived here now at 'One Village at a Time', talk to people, who share a common goal and passion, or have given me unconditional access to them whenever I need them to get back to myself, my dream, my faith and strength. Off late an 'Email Personnel' also seem to be doing the job of keeping me away from distraction pretty well, :)

My recent discovered Distraction from Depression :)

Thanks Life, Thanks Universe and again, Thanks God for being by my side.

Love You

what do you do ?

As soon as you wake up...?

This is what I do -
1. I pretend am sleeping for 15mins..even after I am fully awake
2. I smile in sleep remembering something...
3. Then I open one eye and call out 'Tobby'
4. Tobby always has his sesky blue outfit on, and I absolutely love to see him :)
5. After he comes we talk, chat, check mails, read blogs, check news...by then my 2nd eye opens...
6. Mean while he get's me tea :) , yah he is a sweet heart, rather diabetic :)
7. Together then we listen to music for atleast an hour, smiling, giggling, hugging and just being there...
.
.
.
8. Then after such nice and warm wake up... he kicks my butt and sends me to the rest room..:(
But am glad he does so, else I would spend time talking, chatting and listening to music with him..
9. And before that my toy cuddles between us and pretends to sleep for 30min till Tobshi, kicks us out :)..like now he is after me to ...get out of the bed :)

And this is to him... my Tobby, my kumartuli, my diabetic dream..muuaaaaa "love you" enjoy the music we enjoy in our 'Radio Bindaas' :)




I wrote the above post yesterday..but came across this one today...since all of these are meant for today it makes sense to have them together. In Rick's word again :(

"You might have a hard time trusting your feelings today with so many planets in emotionally detached Aquarius. Others may have a much easier time with this airy grouping, but you have an irrepressible inner voice reminding you how unbalanced your life becomes when you allow your head to tell your heart what to do. Ignoring your passions is not an option these days, but think first before making your next move"

I did not come to work yesterday..just did not feel like :( was too tired..exhausted and saturated. Am here today, hoping to start work.

The Economic Crisis ...in Calvin's word

Is there any topic on earth that Calvin (Bill Waterson) hasn't already summarized through Calvin's mind ? It's only now that this strip makes completely sense. I never got the humor of this strip during my initial dates with Calvin :)

Wife Bashing's !!

I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"

It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.

So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"

And that's when the fight started....
**********************************
My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.

She asked, 'What's on TV?'

I said, 'Dust.'

I was asked to dust the whole house !!!
***************************************
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive...

So, I took her to a gas station.. :)

*******************************

I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"

It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.

So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"

***********************************

I Fell in love with a ..... (find it out ) ......

an interesting song... apparently was on the top list played on 14th of this month... interesting... thought I would just archive it here..



cheer's

When Will...........

I wake up to the morning?
With no worries...
With no stress...
No deadline
No rushing,
or Racing
to catch the train?
or flight... or work?
or worrying ..
about bills,
or the analysis...
or the results..
or the publications...

When will I wake up,
To a morning?
listening to music,
chatting and talking,
and relaxing,
Giggling, Laughing...
Doing nothing...
For myself,
and for others..
For the sheer joy of
living and smiling...
to the fullest..

When will I wake up?
To a morning,
of a big BREAK.!!!

Phew !!!
Ufff 'mummy' Maii Thaak Gai !!!

I want to just enjoy 'life'
The 'moments' and
Not Race !!

A real time joke..

A conversation among two people at a call center :


Person 1 : I am working from 1830 - 0230.

Person 2 (on the other side) :
"I can't make 1830 calls... don't you have a 1 800 number?"


This happened to a friend of mine..whom I was talking to, its his copyright bloopers!

I have been in such a situation!!!

In an airport, and thankfully because of my slow processor I took sometime in replying!!

Is it time to sail?

May be , May be not..

I go a lot with cues and signs in life..
For me those are signals from the universe..
To Be or Not To Be?
To Do or Not To?
I have led a very bohemian life style till now..
But over years a lot of wilderness in me has settled,
A lot of unknown faces come to become evident,
Lot of known faces have become lost...
Lot of reasons and choices have become more obvious,
Lot of vagueness has been crystallized.

And from all this, all that I have gathered, IS -
"I cannot answer or understand everything"
"There is a bigger context than what is visible to me today"
"Everything happens for the best"

Today was my 2nd attempt to tell or convey something to someone.
But I could not.
The first day, my Tax from got lost, and I could not find them, until I made up my mind of not talking about anything. My tax forms just appeared back out of no where in the folder I was looking !!

Yah, there is a possibility that I was not paying enough attention, so when I focused it completely on locating it I FOUND IT.
This was followed by many other similar stress for the last week.
Thankfully everything got resolved.
And I made my mind of not mentioning anything to anyone.
It felt like a knock on my head!!

I am very sure, that this knock is not because I am doing something wrong,
But more a sign of 'This is Not the time' !!

I guess today also it was the same.
May be the universe is just asking me to keep quiet,
And be patient.

The problem with me IS, the moment I realize something and am sure about it,
I feel suffocated unless I have conveyed it.
I rarely pay attention to other persons position or situation.
Which, isn't always a good thing to do!
And in most cases, these are just statements than questions or suggestions.

I guess after these two attempts am not going to breach the topic of knowing each other more, or talking. If it has to happen it will happen automatically. So, I leave my thoughts here.
IF WE ARE DESTINED TO TALK and KNOW EACH OTHER MORE,
WE WILL,
IF NOT,
THEN,
THIS IS IT.

The universe, my soul and faith will guide me, like it always has.
All I know for today is I wanted to know him more given that he wanted to know me more too..

That's IT.
If it gets answered great,
If not,
ALL THE BEST in everything..
I shall keep quiet from hence forth -
NO QUESTIONS, NO AGGRESSION TO FIND MY ANSWERS!

And no worried either!
Am just thinking aloud :)
I know what I want,
And it will come to me,
IF IT HAS TO...
When it has to..
Let it come on its own.....
Or take its own course....
I can only focus on,
What I Can, I Must !
And I Will..

Rest is not my headache.. it's HiS ...
All the best and Take Care..

Feb 14th 2009 - A day of surprise

I have been celebrating Feb 14th ritualistically every year with someone or other. It would always be eating out, buy flowers for each other, or just hanging out. But this year it was different.

I was completely surprised, taken aback and made to feel special.

I don't remember when I last celebrated Feb 14th with someone that I had any romantic feelings. All the above years were with friends or just dates. Coming to this year's surprise it was from the visit to Chicago.

I got chocolates the night before followed with a lovely video.

I could not thank him enough for making my day so special. I don't remember who/when somebody did this in the past.

But here comes my hard luck, inspite of him being nice I could not reciprocate his feelings !!!

Among all the people I have met till date, he was the decent of all.
Simple and Nice too. My life would have resolved 'If only I could hear my heart' . But it didn't. Hence I had to let go. But such is life. So chalega, :), I know I cannot lie to myself or anybody else!!

I don't what's in store for me!
I don't know if I feel ever feel again!
I don't know if the one I remembered today, at all makes sense!

But today WAS special and thanks to Chicago for making it so special.
I will always be reminded of him with the song in the music video.

God Bless Him

मेरे सवालों का जवाब दो, दो ना ....

God,

PLEASE, PLEASE AND PLEASE, I pray and pray..........

मेरी उससे बात करा दो;
कन्फर्म करा दो;
वो मेरे लिए बना है की नही ?
वो मुझे पसंद करता है की नही ?
मै उसे याद आती हूँ की नही?
वो मुझे याद करके मुस्कुराता है की नही?
वो भी इन् सवालों से जूझता है की नही ?
उसे भी मेरे से बात करने में मज़ा आता है की नही?
उसको मेरे ऊपर क्रुष है की नही ?
Please please बता दो,
बस मेरे सवालो का जवाब दे दो,
हा या ना ?
इधर की उधर?
मुझे कोई डर नही है,
बस आप बता दो;
या फिर उसी से पुछवा दो,
हाँ की ना?
अगर हाँ, तो अब हम क्या करें?
इक साथ चलें की मुक्कर जाए?
अगर ना, तो आपको तो परेशान करना बाँध करुँगी;
(But that's only for the time being)
Because, आपके बच्चे को तो मैं धुंद के रहूंगी;
लेकिन कन्फर्म तो कराओ पहले की येः वों नही है !

You have always, always answered my question for real.
Please answer this one too !!!
I promise I will not ask for anything on this for a while :)
Please, Please, Please !!
I pray, I pray, I pray...

Calvin's Brilliancy in story telling

Bong Connection IT IS !!

I will expand on the Bong Connection when I have time. But for now I HAVE to acknowledge Anjan's Dutta's ability to reinstate my faith on the rare balanced bong culture. A movie I MUST say, a Bengali one, that I liked after a decade. One of the best movies made in the recent time, though its very local or regional in its idea. It reflects the challenges, strengths and weaknesses of the Bong Culture.

I feel pity and sad how Kolkata or the Bengali culture in today's time is just limited to the 5 days of Durga puja celebration.

I don't know how, where and why the spirit, courage and conviction of 1971, the Naxal Movement got lost?
I don't know what happened to the spirit of Swami Vivekanda, Netaji and many more alike?
I don't know why we can't make movies like Satyajit Ray?
I don't understand why we always have to bask in 'Antelisim (The Bong Intellect)'?
I don't know how a state of forward thinkers has ended up being the 3rd most backward state of the country?
I don't know what happened to the humor of Utpal Dutta, Rishikesh Mukherjee?
I wonder if the owner's of the RED FLAG, and the opponents as well ever feel ashamed of what they have made themselves?
I don't know why the Bengal-ism is now limited to Dakhineshwar, Kali Bari, Belurmath, and worshiping bunch of other gods!


There used to be saying,
'What Bengal Thinks Today, India Think Tomorrow';

From there we graduated to,
'What India thinks today, Bengal thinks after 10 years';

And Today, I am sorry to say but unless something radical happens,
'What happened in Bengal, Will happen to India in 10 years' !!!

Like us, the entire country now only talks, does nothing to make a change;
Like us, the entire Indian community basks in the hypocrite glory of 'India is the best';
Like us, rest of India is unable to accept or realize their mistakes and faults within to improve themselves for better;
.
.
.
.

I do not like to highlight the worst. I was not intending to do so either. But 'Bong Connection (2006)' only made my disappointment with that region stronger!!

I am sorry, But I cannot help it.

But I do believe that someday after the entire system has collapsed there will be a fresh beginning, just like Dumbledore's 'Phoenix' A new India will be born from its ashes, :)

Until then I shall rest in peace,
And not compromise on : What I Can, I Must!

Amen :)

All things considered.....

No this is not NPR's (National Public Radio) 'ALL THINGS CONSIDERED' news channel.. but just my life..

I have made this statement a zillion times "I Don't Regret anything".

But the matter of fact is I Do!

I regret the loneliness that engulfs me after my loved ones leave..

May be all the hardship that I have gone through would not have been so hard had there been this tiny difference

May be after I have gained some distance from today the big picture on the canvas will emerge and everything will make sense. Reality and truth will be beside me. On that day I guess all the hardships will turn into the most wonderful blessings of my life.

Until then, yes I do regret for becoming vulnerable to loneliness sometimes in my life. I accept it completely. But at the same time I know the final departure of this regret is gradually advancing.

Till then, give me the strength for : WHAT I CAN, I MUST.

Dream Alone.. by Dion

Dream Lover - Dion

Ran into this song Pandora.Com absolutely lovely song.... I WANT IT universe send it to me

The good thing...

about reading or knowing others people thoughts, patterns, worries.. like here

TRACKLESS WANDERED by Kshitiz

Tells me, Assures Me... I am not alone.. there are equally wired people or people struggling with distraction, confusion, worries, dreams, disappointments, optimism, dreaming and thinking...

I just start feeling more normal :)

Dumb Dumber Dumbest !!!

How dumb can one be to answer a interesting Q like -

'What about you?"
"Not seeing anyone?"

"No, am not seeing anyone.....besides I have improper eye sight to see anyone... , :)) "

After lecturing/advising the whole world for 30++ years to never answer such questions directly...when met with such Q in my life I behave like a total dhakkaaaaaaaaaan, 'A Glorified Lid' that also with someone I have a crush on!!!

How dumb and stupid, can one be !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

JEEEZZZZZZZZZZZZZ ................
I can hear shammi kapoor's "aisa mauka phir kahan mileegaaaaaaaaaa???" playing loud in the back ground !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This was a fiasco !!!!

Truely Yours !!!

Dealing with someone who is as stubborn as you are can be problematic today. Your feelings are intense and if you know that you're right, they can get in the way of an amicable discussion. Don't let a petty disagreement explode into an outright fight for survival. It's not necessary to force a resolution. Just acknowledge your emotions and listen carefully to what the other person has to say. You will have another chance to seek common ground after everyone has time to cool off......

So true !!!
Scorpio Tanu :( !!!