BREAK..........

I was on a self imposed break from computer, email, and everything since Thursday after submitting all the corrections and entire thesis to my prof.

As much I wanted to have a blast during the break, I could not! I got more bored than ever for not having anything to work or worry about, despite the range of reading and watching I did over last 4 days!

From Obama and Michelle's - Portrait of an American Marriage, Arctic Conservation, Fourth World War to Enigma of 2012, left me more worn out than I intended.

My brain was jumping from one topic to another as kept switching from one topic to another. An ideal weekend of nothing but sleeping and reading, but with a constant nagging 'What do I do now? I want to defend'. Though the reading, made the weekend idle but the constant nagging, made the idle no-relaxing!

It told me something that I had not thought about. I think I cannot 'Not Work' ! As much as I am looking forward to a break after my PhD, my experience over these last couple of days suggests it to be a bad idea!

Having said that, there are lot of things or To Do things going in my head. Some I am very clear about, while others remaining vague. One thing very evident out of all my To Do's is, I don't want to do something, I do not feel very strongly about. And that needs to conveyed politely with affirmation; and something I don't feel passionate about, I cannot even apply!

Clear and Crisp, though a double edged sword helps me remain in focus and on target. And I need to do that. Will take a stab today or tomorrow. As of now FOCUS is the target and finishing is the goal, ASAP.

More later

Bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Yah I was a honey bee for last couple of months..


No not looking for sugar or honey... but just bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzing ............ from flower (chapter) to flower (chapter)

Finally this morning I turned in everything to Big B (my professor, my Boss).

I am really wanting to defend by December. Lord just let me do that..........

Other than that, life looks Precious and Goldy :)

Love at first sight...

or thought...

Yes, that's exactly what made me go for my PhD, when the idea to examine how the Terai landscape has changed, dawned in my mind. It was not very challenging, but the idea to be able to see how an area has changed over past year made me absolutely fall in love with it.

A feeling nothing less than, Love at first sight.

I have been looking for quite sometime on the next mission. I have ideas and questions that I want to address next, but I don't know how, where, when and with whom. I still don't know.

But I experienced the same feeling that I had years back after discussing some of my current ideas with Dr. Mark Brusson, HOD Environmental Sciences. If there is something I really want to do next, is working on it.

I don't know myself a lot, but if there is something I absolutely know about myself is 'passion'. I have to feel really strongly about something for me to be able to get involved with it. Be it an idea or a person. It's the same. And I feel so with this next idea. And I need to feel it with same intensity every time I think about it. Only then it tells me if I really want it. If it fizzles out in between then I know, I won't survive it. And hence I won't get into it.

I can feel my heart throbbing, I can feel the sparks going in my head thinking about all the possibilities and questions we can explore.

WOW!

It was just not me. Mark was equally excited and interested, and that motivated me further. If only we had the dollar's to start it.

In times of depression and recession I need kicks like this to be able to keep going. It tells me all is not lost. It helps me focus, regain control over my life and be on track. I think I should go and discuss my ideas with someone every week. It keeps my inspiration alive.

It's the same feeling, that I have when I go over some ideas with my good friend, Kshitiz. We are from different fields but there is a huge overlap and the possibilities are unlimited.

Last but not the least...

Yeah, finally made some progress in the 'Last' but not the least.

I don't know why I was just not able to get to it. May be am bored or may be am just not interested. As I don't know what's next!

I hate this uncertain phase. Last time I witnessed this uncertainty, I just completed my Master's and I was like OK, what next? I knew I wanted to do a PhD but then I also knew I did not want to do it on 'Habitat Ecology'. I wanted to do something different, something more convincing for myself, something I am more passionate about. Something that I feel I am in absolute love with.

Finally, in one weekly seminar at WII, it happened. Love at first sight, rather thought. I had already started working on the 'Hog Deer Survey Project' and I was traveling all over the Indian Terai, from Punjab to Arunachal Pradesh, witnessing the change in grasslands and hog deer population. I wanted to evaluate the change within the Indian Terai, under a single window. And how does the view from the window change with time? What does it mean for the surviving species? What does it mean for the future?

As these thoughts rambled in my brain, I ran into Advait's presentation on his PhD Pre-project and I knew what I wanted to do, followed by trip to Cambridge and the discussion with Stuart Pimm.

Yes, that was IT. And I fell in love with a question, that has driven me all these years.

Today, I have the answers to these questions and possibly more questions. But am still not it love with any of those questions. I mean I like them and they are interesting, but something is missing.

I am waiting for an idea, a question, a thought to ignite the same fire, for the following journey.

For now, I know what I am looking for and what I want, but the passion is lacking. I know am there, but still not there. Hence wait and watch. And while I do that, I am moving on with last but not the least.

And with every step and every day, I am learning more and more !

Let the learning continue, guiding me to the right path to the right answers.

Mean while, a miracle happened few days back, and I cannot deny the existence of HE WHO MUST BE NAMED ! I Call him GOD, LOVE, LIFE and FAITH. And I love it when he shows his existence through such incidents.

THANK YOU SO MUCH, I OWE YOU A BIG ONE FOR THIS MIRACLE.

My Bible

.... and How it all Started

Dad just sent this forward with the words in them.. it reminded me of my childhood days when I used to spend hours in our backyard (Farakka D-3) watching the birds play build their nest, rebuild and rebuild. Every afternoon after coming back from school (KV Farakka) I used to gulp down the food somehow to see if the nests were complete, if they had eggs, if there were babies..

Yah, I was very lucky to be not growing in a city but in a small town with big trees and plenty of sights from nature to cherish. I JUST LOVED IT. I think after birds it used to frogs that I used to follow. Birds were too pretty to hold and catch and they would fly so I could never really catch them. But frogs were slimy, sluggish and lazy.

As a kid I have had a parakeet, a guniea pig, streets dogs and lot of cats as pets.
As a wildlifer I had a squirrel, a snake, a leech, a spider, a preying mantis as a pet. Most of these creatures recoverd half dead or injured and I nurtured them till could or till they choose to stay. Those that survived the shock were released back. And I used to love observing them. Unfortuantely the once I found in wild never built their house in front of me but I gathered my love and passion for them from my backyard 20 years back in Farakka watching the 'Birds'

I grew up in a small town called Farakka. It was almost a village when we first moved there. We landed there on a summer morning quite pleasant than the kolkata I was used to till then. I remember my first sight of the township was very exciting. I had never seen such big trees at reachable distance. I had never seen unpaved roads. I had never seen huts for real or paddy field. We first lived in C3 then after two years moved to the D-complex, D3. That's where my life changed as we had a huge back yard with jamun, guava, banana, lime trees. There were lot of flowering plants too but jamun and guava were my favorite as I could climb and play for real. I used to have a tree house in my head and I used to imagine myself staying in it, when for real i just sat on a branch and chewed some raw guava's I guess ! I used to sit their quietly and wait for birds to come. Offcourse they never came till I sat there unless it was the ripening time for guava and jamun :) And it was my paradise. I did not know the name of the colorful birds I saw. But I remember seeing a beautiful yellow bird. Later when I went to Wildlife Insitute of India, and had my first binocular, I saw my yellow bird first in Salim Ali's 'Birds of Indian Subcontinent' then for real in our campus. I recognized them right away. It was a pair of Golden Oriole (Oriolus oriolus).

It might sound stupid, but I felt I saw the pair I saw in my backyard. It felt as if they came to tell that I am on track. It felt God sent. I cannot explain the feeling. But something divine, when I knew deep down its was not the same pair I used to see in our backyard. But seeing something I saw in 1988 again in 1997 was like a rebounding of something deep within me. And I knew it then I am doing what I am meant to do. And that's the first time I felt the touch or presence of something beyond me, guiding me. The presence of an unknown, the universe, a faith, a vision was born. I saw it. I felt it. I lived through it. I can only remember and re-experience it. But I cannot define it. And honestly I do not want to describe it either. But that's how it all started. My journey into the Wild, my journey with the Unknown. The unknown force still resides with me in everything I do. It touches me every time I go back to nature, every time I hear something close to what I heard in 1984. It was bliss. It will always be. My first and foremost love and passion. Something that came from within.

I have never written about the Golden Orioles but they were the one's who used to visit my backyard and I used to so wish that they make a nest in the guava or jamun tree, but they never did. They only came to eat the fruits. And t hey came only thrice. I waited and waited but I never saw them again until in 1997. I did manage to find nest in my backyard in the jamun tree. But it was too far for me to see if they had eggs in it. But often I used to see a Cuckoo . Hence I knew it was a living nest. Later I came to know that Cuckoo's are parasites. They take over the nest of other birds and the baby cuckoo ends up throwing the eggs of its original occupants as it keeps growing. Yah, sad but true ! Survival of the fittest.

There was one small nest in the Bedana tree too, but I disturbed it with my excitement and chased away its owners.

But then came the Baya Beavers at Wildlife Institute in the reeds. The Orioles lead me to the beavers and the beavers led me to where I am today. A journey, I am proud of. A journey that got reminded today and I will always remember.

I never knew then that what I saw in my backyard would give me the strength in life too. Had I not grown up in Farakka, had I not studied Ecology or Nature, Had I not seen the hardship and perseverence the animals and birds have, I don't think I would have survived the harsh weather in my life.

Every now and then there are hail storms and snow storms here and there. But I have decided to stay PUT and not GIVE UP.

NEVER SAY NO. It was ONLY in 2003 that I uttered the word 'THE END' in my life. Thanks to my parents and Avanti who stood by me and helped me to rebuild my life.

These snaps reminded me of a journey I have survived and that I will make it. No matter what! I will MAKE IT .

Today or Tommorrow.

Thanks Bapi for reminding me the backyard of D3, the essense of my life.

I LOVE YOU LIFE FOR EVERYTHING THAT YOU HAVE GIVEN ME AND WILL CONTINUE CELEBRATING EVERY DAY OF IT ..

THANKS FOR EVERYTHING.

Utpal Dutt - a legend in bollywood

Utpal Dutt, Hrishikesh Mukherjee, Basu Chaterjee, Amol Parekar, Deepti Naval, Faurkh Shekh... WHAT'S COMMON TO ALL OF THEM ?

Any guess?

Yes, its old time comedy.

Everytime I feel sad and all my self installed mood lifters have failed, I take refuge to them or harry potter. Today it was the former. Harry Potter is not really a comedy, but there is something happy, hopeful and nice about the whole series. But today, I knew I needed something stronger. Hence 'Old Bollywood Classic' was my only choice.

I searched through quite a few of Utpal Dutt's movies. Most I have already seen and wanted to watch something new. Ran into 'Baat Baan Jaye'. I had not seen it but with Utpal Dutt in the cast, I did not mind taking a risk. It was a ok, movie with only Utpal Dutt bearing the laughter torch. But not good enough to regain focus.

My next request to google was "Utpal Dutt + Hrishikesh MUkherjee", "Utpal Dutta + Basu Chaterjee". Utpal Dutt with either of them is a DEADLY COMBINATION. BINGO!

I ran into what I needed. We just finished watching, 'Kisi Se Na Kahna'.


It worked like the charm I needed, a good luck charm. It's so hard to be productive when one is sad, atleast for me it is. I have to acknowledge this team "Basu Chatterjee and Hrishikesh Mukherjee" in my thesis, for giving us so such brilliant comedies. It helps me to regain focus and cheer myself up during this last PhD phase, without passing on my depression or irritation to others or disturbing anyone.

I can't thank them enough for showcasing such humor.
T.H.A.N.K.S

aaaaa R R !!!!!!

I can't believe am actually LIKING 'R' !!!!!

I never thought I will be able to get a grasp on R,
I was really scared of using it ... since it needed self coding instead of click option in SPLUS.

But I think I am really liking it. I actually chose to do something on R than on S-Plus. Hence had to acknowledge my budding love for him or it :)
First time coding is what needs to be done after that it's just easy and faster than multiple mouse clicks in SPLUS..

I am happy that am able to make progress in R, with my baby steps...

Thanks God, for helping me with the grey cells to figure it out... also thanks to Margi, my personal R+ consultant :)

It's taking lot of time, but atleast am learning.

R and Python are the two softwares I need to learn properly before moving back to India!!!

These WILL be my future strengths and reason for bread and butter.
Help me wade through this learning process.

Beginning of a new Innings !!

Yah, can't WAIT to start IT ......

Currently playing the last over of the last test match from the current innings.

1st ball................

Distraction from Depression !!!

I think I need redefine the full form of PhD from "Permanent Head Damage" to
"Persistent Heartache's from Depression"!!

I don't know about other... but sometimes, I really feel depressed and sad trying to work through this last phase of analysis, re-analysis, writing and re-writing.

I hate this phase of going round in circles and not moving forward, or may be moving forward in circles !!

Yes, that's how bad it can be!!

I want to move on and start working on new things, new ideas.

I would like to know if there is any PhD that goes without susceptible attacks of depression and questions on 'Why the hell did I get into a PhD?'

I never could have imagined to fall out of love with my PhD. But I AM.

When your analysis don't give you results as expected, and you are stuck at a phase with no help from anywhere, I guess its natural to feel this way. I am thankful to my Major prof for writing or getting back in time and wade out of these phases. And am equally disappointed by the people who choose not to support or advice me because of my lack of ability to speak or write in English. Though my disappointment has nothing to do with how one scores in life but I hope NEVER to be nasty and discouraging to people who do not come from a similar background. Or, who have less ability to comprehend and grasp things on the first instant. I will make sure that every person during my teaching or academic career that I make my point across to them and be patient and humble to work with them. My frustration and disappointment with my PhD is slightly led be one such soul. But who says, that I cannot over come it.

I will, I have and I will continue doing so.

And if everybody appreciated others concern and issues then I guess this world would have been a perfect place to live. But that's not the case.

I just hope and wish to remain down to earth, focused and willing to fight and not give in to depression or disappointment from such incidents.

Thanks life, Thanks universe and Thanks God.

I just visit my long term goals, also archived here now at 'One Village at a Time', talk to people, who share a common goal and passion, or have given me unconditional access to them whenever I need them to get back to myself, my dream, my faith and strength. Off late an 'Email Personnel' also seem to be doing the job of keeping me away from distraction pretty well, :)

My recent discovered Distraction from Depression :)

Thanks Life, Thanks Universe and again, Thanks God for being by my side.

Love You

When Will...........

I wake up to the morning?
With no worries...
With no stress...
No deadline
No rushing,
or Racing
to catch the train?
or flight... or work?
or worrying ..
about bills,
or the analysis...
or the results..
or the publications...

When will I wake up,
To a morning?
listening to music,
chatting and talking,
and relaxing,
Giggling, Laughing...
Doing nothing...
For myself,
and for others..
For the sheer joy of
living and smiling...
to the fullest..

When will I wake up?
To a morning,
of a big BREAK.!!!

Phew !!!
Ufff 'mummy' Maii Thaak Gai !!!

I want to just enjoy 'life'
The 'moments' and
Not Race !!

An interesting article that I just connected to...

What is your legacy?

Written by Jon McIntosh

An open letter to the Baby Boomer generation. From: Generation Y To: Baby-boomers Subject: What is your legacy? What is your legacy, baby-boomer? If you are reading this email, you are one of the most privileged human beings on the planet – you are endowed with great talent, opportunity and power. It is said that with great privilege comes great responsibility. Are you leaving the world in a better state than you found it? In Generation Y, an increasing number of talented young graduates are engaging with this question at the outset of their careers. Is this youthful idealism or is something more substantial afoot? The fundamental change is that, graduating even twenty years ago, the options were starker: Charity or business. You choose – the two do not mix. In the past the model was one epitomised by Ford, Carnegie, Rockefeller and now Gates and Buffett: Get rich first and give it away later. This of course means perpetuating a model you may not be totally happy with only to spend all your earned resources at the end of your life trying to fix the problems caused by the system in which you became rich. Is there another way? The Social Enterprise community is expanding rapidly, resembling open-source software in its collaborative nature. In the UK alone, where there is a Cabinet position ‘Minister for the Third Sector,’ it is estimated that there are 55,000 social enterprises. There are conferences on Social Enterprise all over the world from Boston to Beijing and Business Schools and Universities are engaging with the social context of business. Personalities such as Muhammad Yunus and Al Gore demonstrate the power of the individual to create social change. Three major foundations, Ashoka, Schwab and Skoll now give considerable support to social entrepreneurs worldwide. The internet has been a catalyst, with success stories such as www.kiva.org, a microfinance website that anticipates lending over $1billion over the next seven years to entrepreneurs in the developing world. A new breed of ‘philanthropreneurs’ such as Jeff Skoll and Pierre Omidyar from Ebay demonstrate that the ‘success’ of an investment depends greatly upon what type of return you are expecting. To take an example, if you had invested $1,000 in Microsoft 30 years ago (its IPO was in March 1986) your shares would now be worth around $400,000. But – what if thirty years ago you had put $1,000 into a small economics project conducted by Muhammed Yunus in Bangladesh (who went on to win the Nobel Peace Prize for his success in microfinance with The Grameen Bank)? The value of this investment is simply measureless now: In Bangladesh alone, 80% of poor people have been reached with microcredit, poverty has been reduced from 73% in 1974 to 40% in 2005. Worldwide, microcredit has been replicated on a massive scale, with varied success and with its critics it must be said, but there are certainly thousands of success stories. Which was the more ‘profitable’ investment? The legal framework in which we work, is changing too. In the UK, the ‘Community Interest Company’ (CIC) was realised in 2004 and there are now over a thousand CICs. Meanwhile in the U.S., a similar legal structure, known as the ‘L3C,’ an amendment to the ‘Limited Liability Company’ is presently going through the legislature in Vermont and North Carolina. These new structures allow social enterprises to identify themselves as having a social goal as their primary objective, whilst not forgetting the need for profit. A moniker such as ‘CIC’ or ‘L3C’ identifies socially forward-thinking organisations for Foundations and eventually venture capitalists to invest in. It is hoped that this will release significant capital presently ‘tied-up’ in Foundations on the understanding that there would be a return on their investment both in dollar and social terms. In the U.S. alone it is estimated that Foundations hold over $550 billion in assets. Social enterprise is not a solution. It is an identifier. It enables people to define themselves as having priorities around ‘we’ the society as well as ‘me’ the individual. Any organisation that wants to attract the best and brightest from Generation Y needs to engage seriously in this balancing act. The great challenges of our times; climate change, peak oil, extreme poverty…, WILL NOT be solved with the capitalist model functioning as it is. New, Generation Y, additions to the workforce understand this fact. Legislation is of course imperative – history tells us that public awareness and willingness are not enough on their own. But the marriage of business and social objectives in the social enterprise movement gives politicians a new constituency to draw upon when they come to build laws. It also gives the public – you and I, who might feel disillusioned with the system – an opportunity to take control ourselves. The success and expansion of social enterprise tells the corporate world that there is another way. A third way. ‘CSR’ was the first step on this road. The world is in our hands. Let us create a legacy to be proud of. Jon McIntosh, an entrepreneur from the UK and graduate of Cambridge University, is presently studying social enterprise as a Sauvé Scholar at McGill University in Montreal. He recently formed ‘The Reach Foundation,’ an education non-profit to work alongside his business, Reach Cambridge Ltd, which runs summer schools in Cambridge.

Post Doc or Job ?

My head has been cracking over this question over past months..

If I don't do a job now I will never get a chance to do it again...
But if I don't do a post-doc may be I will never be able to influence the Environment/Ecology sector in India..

On the same note I can always come back to I post doc if I want but not to a job..
And a Job might not necessarily translate to giving up on Environment Sector.

If, I choose job I know am going to work towards entrepreneurship in the field of Environment and Sustainable Development.

If, I choose a post doc I know am marching towards working on Policy Issues in the same field...

So, what do I want ?

Well right now, I just need a break, get over the PhD stress and then take a decisive call..
So, won't a job provide me the same?

But then while am doing so, I am loosing out on interesting, challenging, fascinating Post Doc positions.

I for sure know, I don't want to be a professor in Theoretical Ecology and be a publishing company. I am not interested. It does not fascinate me. I enjoy writing though, may be I should move towards popular or active pro-environment writing. That should be fun.

But can I do or will I do that better with a Job or Post Doc?

I think am bitten by the bug of working for or on something that will directly benefit people. That's my first and foremost requirement for a job satisfaction.
2nd comes ability to travel and last but not the least stable affordable salary.

I enjoy reading, thinking, analysis and writing. Something like I do here on the blog.
I don't like analysis data anymore though and checking for patterns.
I like to read more written stuff and present my thoughts and opinions on it ..

How opinionated can that be, or such a job might be !

I think I will totally love a job like that :)
So, I either come up with an Entrepreneurship Attitude or Find myself a job that pays for giving opinions :)

So, back to my splitting question - Post Doc or Job?

I think I should not be very choosy given the financial situation worldwide.
And I should keep applying to whatever I like, until I have something in hand..

Priority is getting financially secured as early as possible ..

Politics and Us

How many time have you said or heard 'I am not interested in politics'?

I don't know about others but this was a statement I believed and practiced whole heatedly right from school. I was not interested in new or any general awareness program until my master's !!
As a result I never used to read the news paper. My only assimilation and collection of current affairs used to be from forced news listen at 9am on DD-1 because of dad's or grandpa habit of following the news in TV or radio .. .

It was only when I started working in NE and started traveling there on my own, I started to take some initiative to know what was happening in the am planning to visit next. Entirely selfish motive. But that's how I started. Prior to this my news paper used to open and close in the last sports/cartoon/entertainment page only !!

Rape, Fraud and Murder used to be the headline always irrespective of which ever news paper you pick from anywhere on any day!!

Things haven't changed much even today. But I have changed. Today, politics is the only thing that is influencing me more directly in my personal and professional life than it has ever done. And this change happened only because of my stay in US and close encounter with US politics (national and international).

I became more aware of how international and national issue of a country are related. How it influences other countries, more so with respect to my field - Environment and Ecology.

And politics IS a very important dimension of this whole connection.
Why am I ranting about this now ?

Well, because finally with Barak Obama's presidency, US has taken a serious stand on issues of Climate Change, which the Bush and previous govt. have been ignoring. Ecologists have been telling the world about the dark picture's humans have been painting for years! No body heard them or listened to them. Today with the failing economy and reclining resources the Kyoto protocol, Global Warming, Sustainable Development and Environmental Issues takes a new stand inlight of the US declaration of the Climate Envoy.

The more I see Obama, taking his steps towards regain the US economy, I see a target becoming more and more clear infront of me. And its all related to how we are influened and connected to politics.

It does not matter, if you believe or follow politics or not! We all are effected by it, more directly than we actually think...

There is more to this story, but for now I will stop.

Distraction Log !!

I have a high potential to get distracted.. but somehow since 20th Jan am more in focus..

When distracted I go online, chat, read the blogs, ... and all of these things act as a fuel to my distraction .. so I had to look for a remedy and this is what I did -

I went a read the news, global crisis, economic crisis and GOT reminded if I don't get off the distraction NO JOB for me :) . It's helping me regain my guilt and am working better rather than going to the fuels !!

Another interesting thing happened. I was talking to TinTin [Tan Tan's Wife, :)] and we happened to share and discuss our admiration and love for 'Obama'. Tin Tin made a very significant point.

If Obama, can find time for gym, wife, kids, work, nation and the world THEN we have NO Business or stand to tell 'I don't have time'. Post this discussion we decided to keep tab on each others time and work. A daily update on what I did, I finished with regard to my famous PhD, and what did she finish with her's :)

And it just worked GREAT. And its working well till now :), And It will :). Unlike most who would ask 'how's your work going?" When u tell them the truth they make comments like "you are lying" !!!!!

Give me a break Kido (i have heard this many times in past) and grow up from Sch(f)oolish Unhealthy Competition !!!

Anyway so, to the Man, who inspires Me, who has inspired us in this difficult and challenging time :)

Cheer's

Good Morning Logan...

this IS tanu blotter, its 8am and am up and ready to work :) ..and you are reading blotter's daily soap opera :))) ...

updates...

1. spatial markov under control
2. complete the analysis
3. re-look multinomial modeling (he he ...google doesn't seem to know the word 'multinomial' - DUMB!)

4. blotter wakes up early two days in a row!
5. Blotter is changing for the final good..
6. Blotter is re-aligned and re-fokused
7. Blotter waits for monday's stepping stone
8. Blotter's WISHES for this monday asked last year have BEEN granted, in totality
9. Blotter is GREEDY and will make more wishes for the next innings :)
10. Blotter is observing :) and learning and realigning
11. Blotter was absolutely right about the new 'to be' father. Blotter is PROUD for the accurate judgment :)
12. Blotter accepts gracefully and willingly that what is there and say's whole heatedly bye to that what is not there :)
13. finally, famous 13, blotter awaits the completion of the last 9 months term :)) ...and say bye bye to 'Peter' for good..

as usual Blotter's soap opera has a mix of real and fabricated butter :)
Taddaaaaaaazzzzzz

PhD Vows

Am not dancing till i finish now

Am not blogging in public till I finish
Am not falling till I finish
Am not missing anyone till I finish
Am not chatting till I finish
Am not clicking till I finish
Am not picassing till I finish
Am not emailing him till I finish
Am not meeting anyone till I finish
Am not calling him till I finish
Am not bakwaasing till I finish
Am not remembering anyone till I finish
Am not going online till I finish
Am not visiting any blogs till I finish
Am not buying anymore frogs till I finish
Am not reading any blog till I finish
Am not eating out till I finish
Am not going shopping (luxury) till I finish
Am not eating mango ice cream till I finish
Am not seeing him till I finish
Am not caring for anyone till I finish
Am not ..
Am not......
Am not..............
Am not........................
Am going into hibernation... till I finish...12345

I am/will defend in *KJHWIUIUKUI* ( my secret month, that I have set)

In Transition

Having a tough time in addressing and balancing a step toward certainty and uncertainty

a foot towards the destined PhD end is also a step towards uncertainty, unknown! A step towards not knowing what next, not knowing where will the salary come from next, what would I do next !!

a foot towards saying a Hi and Bye together.......

a foot in my haunted land of 'I miss you' & 'I don't miss you'....

a foot towards searching job and finishing up as well...

a foot towards disappointed job interviews and persistent application and search...

Phew....help me toughen up...and remain in focus... few more months... and all this uncertainty will be over..

Came back from Mical defense, am shit scared imagining myself in her shoes in few months. I have to get it done with next couple of months. I have to just forget the uncertainity post PhD and just finish it. If I get a job, great IF Not am sure there is something for me in thought by the universe. I will not have the luxory that I have today with my parents around. Nothing like having your family and your loved one's around when your finishing your PhD. A security, a sureity of having someone to fall back on when I go back home is Blissfull. I am luck and fortunate to have them here.. A certainity of no matter what they are with me..

Give me the strength and courage to sail through this last phase... that's all I want for in this diwali..because next diwali...I will have absolute answers to everything. Everybody finds it someday. So would I. This IS the year of uncertainities for me.. Be with me....I need you..

Thanks
The Scared Tanu

Scavenging Motivation..

When I started on this path 5 years back, I knew day in and day out that I loved it the most...I knew there is nothing else I wanted to do or find then answering 'How has the landscape change in North Bengal and Assam affected the Terai Grasslands'. It was like a conviction deep inside me that I wanted to find answers for, for myself! And my love for it was challenged by lot of social issues, personal choices and professional challenges!!

Today am almost at the end of this journey, and Honestly speaking sometimes I feel I am burned out! I am tired. I feel I have fallen out of love with it, I have just stopped feeling the thrill the adrenaline rush that I used to feel every time I read this question! I don't know if this is the normal path or trend for all PhD's but I feel am loosing it! When I know am almost there! I know I have to hold on to it, as this is it! This is all I wanted to know! This is all that I cared at some point in my life!

Loneliness, life usual ups and downs, studying and being all by yourself in a foreign country, begging for permissions to work in your own country, to answer something that benefits none but them, to let down your ego and accept that the officer in charge knows it all, raising funds to be able to go back and do the work, sailing against the flow, accepting that you are nothing but just a tiny filthy researcher or scientist who loves to stay in a forest all by herself for months forgetting everyone because it was her choice, facing unwelcoming situations, messed up personal life..has eaten out a lot of my passion, painted the rosy picture dark, and consumed the love that I started with! It's hard to explain and understand sometimes why people fall out of love. But the same I guess is happening to me and am trying hard to remember every cost I have paid and remind myself of people who still have faith in me, who are looking forward for me to come back some day..who believe in me..

God give me strength, and faith so that I walk and complete this last leg of the journey. Be with me. I am not lonely if you are around, I know I will make it to the end, if you are with me, like you have been always, and thanks for all the people who are helping me scavenge and restore my motivation in this five year long affair!

The most committed relationship of my life ! THE ONLY, I guess..someone told correctly 'True love blossom only when challenged' THIS IS an absolute truth for me, for the Questions I had/have to answer!!

0. What are we benefiting if you want to study or how does it help me if you get a PhD, why should we agree to you going abroad, US, or you go for your PhD abroad?
1. Di, where will you give us a treat when you finish your Phd and start working?
2. Sweetu now we will only after you finish your Phd.
3. Mipi di...you don't give up...am waiting for the treat you said you will take me once you have a job..
4. Moina, Janu, Di - When are you coming to India next?
5. Moinadi, before you start your job I want to go on a road trip with you to NE. Sure.
6. A one month holiday trip to NE and Rajasthan on my next trip to India. We will plan it.
7. Dida, passport will be done this Dec. I will make sure its done, then you will be able to take her along with you next year. I so much want to bring 'Nani' next year to the US when I graduate.
8. Visiting WII and meeting all those people who thought I was not capable of doing any scientific thinking !
9. Meet the faculty eye to eye who told, "I can ruin your career if I want to" !! FUCK!
10. Meet the person who told, just register here and finish your PhD asap! What's there in a Question!
11. Stand infront of all the rejections I have had in general in my life and look back at them with a pride!
12. Eurotrip :) , backpack in the Andes, Maya Civilization, and see the Chimps!
13. Go to India on a complete holiday..NO WORK..only shooting, sleeping and eating..
14. Di, wapaas ajao! We will have fun when u have a job here, and we all have settled..
15. Moinadi, do you think you can work on this script ?? :) :) (HIDDEN HIDDEN bucket list desire)
16. See my parents finally relaxed...
17. Find 'jhimli' the only lamp and light that I has given me the faith to move on..

MOVE ON..............

And look what Rick has to tell me today...this guy really makes sense at times :), thanks Rick!!

"The weight of the future could bear down on you now as you try to figure out where your current path is leading. But it's hard to see around the next corner and the more you try, the greater your frustration. Instead of looking too far forward, it makes more sense to focus your attention on what's happening in the present moment." [ he he he ...so true!!]

By Rick Levine

Saturday, September 27, 2008
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To Do List for the series of dates :)

Date 1 with Juergen, :) - 29th 1pm
Date 2 with Doug, :D - 2nd oct at the cubical (big Boss)
Date 3 with Santana - 3rd October !! (path yatra, pada gamon, beginnings and ends)
Date 4 with Peter, 8th oct or the next week monday ! (Inside and Outside, Normalized model)

Now to do list with each (expected/observed/HW)

Date 1 - summarize spectral analysis done so far, complete change detection matrices for and from ghansland
Date 2 - everything
Date 3 - No idea !!
Date 4 - toughest rock, will convince, will make him fall for my baby !!

First date in August,
Delivery in May :)
9 months :) pregnant..:)

bakw...............ASS

a new self discovery, self realization.......BETTER WORK...else this will become truth!!