Fix ME !

Yah, thats exactly what i felt today as I was trying to summarize everything in my life over past 2 years. This weekend was spent in lot of self analysis and direction for future actions. All this started from the fact that, in general I was not happy about anything in life. One thing led to other, so much so that, yesterday when I was wishing one of my best friend for her wedding I felt nothing...!!!

It sent a cold shiver through my spine. I was telling her 'I am so happy for you, wish you all the best' bla bla BUT i was feeling nothing.. those words were just pouring out of my tounge !! THIS has never happened to me. It was the worst experience of my life! So I had to sit down and think why am I behaving this way and what can I do to fix it ?

Last nights objective demarcation was an effort towards that...

I am not going to analyze or write any more about WHY this happened...BUT as for my present state goes..

I feel unhappy about everything - work, life, friends, ppl.. I notice bad things MORE than good things as I used to, I have more complains than appreciation for people as I used to, I have become very very judgmental about everyone...I had stopped ignoring people's flaw or mistakes !! I am hanging around with bunch of unhappy people and feel so at place with them !! Since I am unhappy myself am attracting all unhappy people as well in my real life context...

I got a strong head blow yesterday..as I realized all these things about myself...and a very very BIG thanks to a fellow blogger, Humble Devil, who sent me an 'I ' tag... Things that I was so confident and sure about took me some time to remember them..THAT's When I realized something is terribly wrong with me in my HEAD !! And I need to fix 'ME'

I used to love doing things for myself...instead of doing or continuing that I was always pondering about "whats the point"? Areee to HELL with the POINT, I do it because I LOVE IT..I think I was at the verge of MURDERING my 'PASSION' !! JEEEEEEEEZZZZZZZZZZ am so thankful that I realized it.. I Would have hated myself I Am sure if I would have lost it completely...Having gathered some traits or algae on my shoulder which I do not like on anybody gave me the most scary feeling to even think what would I have been or I will be if I do not FIX myself.. anyway so here is the process of fixing -

1. First thing I did today as soon as I woke up was - Did my Attitude of gratitude prayers. I learnt it during Reiki. It goes as -
*I am Thankful as Tanushree for being here in this world today,
* I am thankful for having such lovely parents and family
* I am thankful for giving me such a beautiful life
* I am thankful today for giving me the strenght, courage and spirit to smile
* I am thankful for such loving FRIENDS
* I am thankful today for being able to LOVE and appreciate everybody.
* I am thankful today for being healthy
* I am thankful today for not having to bother about money
* I am thankful today for being able to travel to so many places
* I am thankful for being able to have all the fun I have ever wanted
* I am thankful for being able to do a Phd in my area of interest and topic
* I am thankful for the funds and aid I got toward completing my phd
* I am thankful for having such a nourishing childhood, teenage, and adult age as well
* I am thankful for being able to fall in love again and again
* I am thankful for being able to forgive and forget...
* I am thankful to the super natural, para normal, super intelligent creature for being so present in my life.
* I am thankful for being able to work toward completing my Phd......
..................

I had more lines... but I felt a lift in my spirit right then and then.. I could see the glow in my skin .. and smile..I Don't how I was smiling all these days having lost these convictions. GOD SAVED ME !!!

Next I cooked for dinner.. :) NO WHERE IN MY 32 years of life HAVE I EVER COOKED ON A MONDAY MORNING for DINNER..THIS IS JUST MIRACULOUS... ANd I felt so happy :)

Next I spoke to my 'best friend' over chat though and told her..Every thing that I had in my mind. I told her how I did not feel anything while i was talking to her yesterday..we accepted that things were not going right between us for whatever reason it was..BUT I felt so good to actually tell her, what I was expecting and why I was disappointed or hurt...I never hated her, BUT yes, I gave up on her.. I gave up on everybody...I gave up on myself too I think :) ..so I told her.. I stopped feeling for her or for that matter for anybody as I closed myself completely..and I was focusing on the immediate BAD data points we had..I told her a 'SORRY' and said..I have deleted those BAD points.. The CURVE looks normal now, I don't know if I will feel the way I felt earlier but for sure..I want to start feeling for u again unlike NO FEELINGS at all.. its like a torture.. As I told her this I could feel the flow of blood through my auricle...IT FELT SO GOOD..JUST SO GOOD....I could hear my heart BEAT... DAMMM Extreme SCORPIO's !!! WE nEEd to learn to BALANCE in life...BALANCE everything..

Next.. I went to school worked...and I have decided to
1. Do atleast 2 - 3 things to make first myself happy, really really THRILLED..COME what may (this is just ME)
2. Do something to make other person happy that makes me happy too (learn to grow together)
3. Do something for someone to make that person happy irrespective of what I feel..(what's the need of this- LEARN to appreciate and acknowledge others even if u do not like them the way they like u)


So, to full fill these goals further -
I bought flowers for myself, Blogged, will go back and work now, told my best friend what I had to...

Thanks Unknown Devil... 'AMEN'