Did I or Didn't I ?

My fate for this year has already been decided and sealed I guess.
Just that I am yet to know about it.

GSS award was due to be declared 1st March.

I haven't received any notification yet. Hopefully I will by today from the dept head, with a congratulation email or from the GSS with a sorry email. I just don;t know which side am I !

My getting the GSS would have meant,

I have money to renew my DS2019 and not go out of status in July
I don't have to leave US without finishing my PhD in July 2009.
I can focus on my thesis.
Life is not all that bad..
Things will fall in place..

My not getting the GSS will mean,

No salary from May
I have some savings to pull through, so that won't be a problem.
BUT, that I Cannot renew DS2019
Will mean I have to leave US whenever I go out of status.
What would I do? Where would I go?
Would I go ?
Options - Keep applying for jobs. scholarships.
Deal with research stress, since its not fun to keep exploring or trying out things without money!
Life is dark and there's no light yet keep telling myself that -
Life is not all that bad..
A miracle will happen and things will fall in place..

Hard work pays.
But does dumb hard work pay?
Does trying and exploring and trying and trying, qualify as hard work?
Does wanting to do and figure out things on your own without much assistance, qualify as hard work?
Does trying and not succeeding, qualify as hard work?

I don't know. Or May be I know, that I am just dumb or not smart enough to do a PhD from US :( ! But I should I have realized this 5 years back! Now this is too late. Too late to even turn back.

Under the current circumstances I don't enjoy knowledge and research as much as I did earlier. I just don't care what and how much I learn. Just do something and finish. But even doing something takes time. Doing simple analysis takes so much time. Trying to figure out what I am doing takes so much time. What am doing if that's right or wrong takes away more time and at the end I AM LOST!

Major prof never replies or rarely replies. I think he is used to the fact that I figure out stuff eventually. I guess I have to just bug him more and tell him, I don't know. Help Me. If he does, great, if not, I have no choice but to figure out on my own.

Which of the two sets, will I be subjected to lord?

Either way, just be with to sail through it and not collapse in the midst.

I have loved all my phases of PhD till date, except this one. May be am dumb, may be I not that smart. But with some guidance I know I can get over this hill. Help me lord. Just help me to smile and move through this last phase. Come to me in any form and just walk me through this phase. Thanks for being there..