This is the place where I am honest about myself,
This is the place where I am critical about myself,
This is the place where I work on my gaurds - strengthening or loosening them!
This is the place where I keep all my memories,
This is the place which gives me strength
This is the place which know my deepest fear,
This is the place where I leave my questions,
This is the place where I talk with souls when they are not around,
This is the place which reminds me of the beautiful memories I have collected,
This is the place which has witnessed a bit of my life closest to the truth,
This is the place where I am true to myself...
This is the place where I have the friends who stood with me or who left me!
This is the place I feel safe..
This is the place where I have realized so many parts of me..
Then why have I kept it hidden?
This is not like me!! I feel suffocated, claustrophobic!!
Well the reason is also again ME 'rushing into sharing this space with someone whom I do not really know'. Now onwards my blog world is disconnected from my real world!
This happened in May! And I closed it. Prior to this I had closed my blog on my return from the first field work, 2007. Boy, after 2002, it was my toughest and roughest year. I don't know what's in store for me in future but that was it! At times I feared that I might never overcome it this time. But am glad that I did. It was such a significant gain of strength that I cannot describe in words. But it was.
I lost friends, or saw them in new light if I may say so. Things that I never expected would happen, happened. I am sure they have their own reasons, but to me it was a test of time. The one's who really care for you will just stop once in a while to make sure that you are walking and breathing even though they have moved on in life! Rest time shall will filter out irrespective if whether you like it or not! And today I thank them for the strength I have regained. Its only because of that strength I have no fear of loosing anything anymore! Absolutely nothing. Above all it has made me extremely 'practical' and taught me how to balance life! And off course I was sharing those moments in my life then with no where but here!
I have never bothered about what people think and feel about me. Then why did I do it?
Well the only reason I could gather or understand were -
1. I did not want to share myself with anyone at the time and specially the May-dude!
2. I do not like being judged my people whom I do not know!
3. I do not like to share pain
4. I do not like to share anything unless I know I have a share in their life too
5. I do not like to be a daily newspaper in people's or more specifically known people's life, whom I call friends or claim to be friends.
6. If they know whats happening with me, then I expect their support and an assurance that yes, I am there do not worry!! But I need to be told. Else I remove them from my life. This takes time and lot of self burning and pain, so I do not do it often and nor do I like doing it. But yes, once I move ON, there is nothing that can connect me back to the same source! Nothing!
7. I do not like to be a ego chip on any one shoulders and not a door mat for sure!
8. 80% of things in my life I do not really care about!
9. 20% of me still believes in everything that the 80% has lost, and I think I just wanted to keep it safe and hidden from the world, as I lost the confidence in taking care of it in broad day light!!
Today I have a new set of friends or people I share this space and my life with. I hardly know them but it feels nice to just be able to 'share'. And this set is not static or closed. Its dynamic, it will change with time again. And that's what I had to learn I think. I do not really care or expect anyone to last forever anymore. So then why the fear or why do I have me hidden?
Well because honesty is something that can hurt few people or may be just one! But none of those people really exist anymore. Not to me at least. Nor do they care, so why bother. The one who does, I have already told. But what about being absolutely honest to yourself and being scared of that?
Well to be very honest, I do not think I am scared of myself! That's the last thing possible with me at least. But yes I think I am little bothered about being judged by the reader(s) who visit me here! Or am I scared of being known to everyone or being an open book!!! A book that anyone can read and then put it back on the shelf or just leave it at some corner!! I think I have this deep conviction of being owned by someone! But who does not have it! When did I start fearing this blatant truth? I think ever since I have closed myself here. And I think this is my honest fear! I think I have to let go of it before it grows more roots within me! As far as the judgment part goes I think I am just being silly!!
But then who has time! And why would they?
During these lonely years I have also come to the realization that the one's who want something from you will judge you to evaluate whether you are worth the cost or price or not, what's your price!! :))
As long as am not interested in shopping I think I can let go of this botheration and breath in my space and let go of myself. Let it be !!
I am, what I am !
I am full of mistakes, I am full of life, I am full of a bit of everything!
Period, deal with it if you want to else get lost!
I am, what I am!
Today I really have to Thank 'Kashmira' here for just checking out once in a while. For putting a funny perspective to something that was bothering me and I vented it out here. For just telling, hota hai, sabke saath...it really does feel better to at times hear those words in this lonely planet! So you go to my hall of fame today Kashmira. We met through a common friend who is not common anymore, :) . But she exists. Life is so full of surprises. Thanks Kashmira.God Bless.
And off course to the new reader, because of whom I went into the evaluation phase.. thanks!
***my request to you guys, do not put a link or tag to this blog on your blogs***
3 comments:
Hmm.. Thats a truly thought provoking post.
A lot of insights from this post and I feel glad to be reading this.
I don't even know if I knew about the blogging softwares of the times you mention about!
So ya, I cannot say much about whether to blog and whether to share with others or not, is right or wrong.
Time and again, I go through bad phases. Time and again someone says me, whatever happens, happens for the good. I find it hard to believe, but in the deep down in me, I secretly wish that it was true.
Thanks for letting me know you a lot more.
I got the courage of coming out of my box only after reading your post, beta :)
isliye thanks to tere ko bhi hai bahut bada wala :)
I also realized am not the only one. Sabke saath hota hai..its no big deal and I do not like to cook, groom and sit over it/them..I had to get over it..
and yes everything, every small/big thing happens for the best. i believe in it to the core.
sharing - good/bad hai ki nahi even I don't know all i know is it feels good. thanks a lot for dropping bye..
Yayy, I made it to the HOF :)
Yeah, its a double edged sword, this thing about whether to make a blog public or not. I'd be more honest if mine were private, but I know I would write a lot less, enjoy a lot less, if I did not have visitors sharing their thoughts and laughing at my stories :)
Hope the kadi-patta makes its way soon to your doorstep!
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